You’re Not Broken: Why trying to “fix” yourself is keeping you stuck.

By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern

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Somewhere along the way, many of us learned a subliminal message: if I could just fix myself and my feelings, I will finally feel okay.

We might believe that “fixing” the emotions, the anxiety and the overthinking will surely change our reactions or the way we show up. To some extent that might feel like it will work, especially if we have conditioned ourselves to push down uncomfortable feelings and put a band-aid of “think more positive” over them. You might even tell yourself “just get it together” and yet, the feeling of stuck is still hiding in the background of your body or subconscious.

The lack of control can lead to frustration and even more overwhelm than the initial emotions even presented in the first place.

You’re not broken, but it can feel that way.

When your thoughts feel loud, your emotions feel overwhelming, or your relationships feel harder, it is easy to assume “something must be wrong with me”.

And the initial instinct is to probably turn inward and start trying to fix everything you experience. However, emotions a problem to fix or an equation to solve. In the contrary, the constant effort to fix yourself can actually create more of the struggle you’re trying to escape.

It’s not necessarily wrong to want to problem solve, but the approach in itself is exhausting.

The trap of “fixing yourself”.

When thoughts and emotions are treated like problems to solve, you might get stuck in a cycle that looks like:

• You notice a thought or feeling you don’t like

• You try to get rid of it, change it, or control it

• It comes back (often a lot stronger)

• You try even harder

Over time, your energy goes into managing your inner world instead of actually living your life and you might find yourself overthinking everything, avoiding situations, waiting to “feel better” before taking action, and feeling like you are constantly working on yourself but never actually moving forward.

What if nothing is wrong with you?

What if your anxiety, your self-doubt, and your emotional reactions aren’t signs that you are broken…what if they are simply just part of being human?

That doesn’t mean that you have to like how you feel or that things don’t need to change. There are absolutely tools that can be learned to open up a different possibility.

Maybe the goal isn’t to fix yourself, but instead to change how you relate to what you experience.

A different approach: Emotional Flexibility.

Emotional flexibility is the ability to:

• Notice your thoughts and feelings

• make space for them (without judgement or overwhelm)

• still move toward the life you want.

You can’t get rid of discomfort completely, but you can not let discomfort run your life. For example, one small shift can look like:

Instead of asking: “how do i stop feeling this way?”

You begin to ask: “how do i live my life, even when i feel this way?”

You don’t have to fix yourself to move forward.

You don’t have to wait until your thoughts are silent or your anxiety is gone or you feel completely confident. You can take a small, meaningful step forward with those things still present. That might look like setting a boundary, saying what you feel, taking a walk outside, or letting a feeling exist and showing up even when it is uncomfortable.

Not in a perfect way or even all at once, but just one percent at a time.

Final Thoughts

At One Percent Counseling, I believe that change doesn’t come from “fixing” who you are but with small steps in learning how to be with yourself differently, responding instead of reacting, and moving one percent forward (even when its hard).

If you have been feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or like you are constantly trying to “work on yourself” let this be a reminder that you don’t have to fix yourself to start moving forward.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.

Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.

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About The Author

Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.