Learning to Hear Yourself Again
When you’ve been disconnected from yourself, it can be hard to know what you feel, need, or want. Learn how small moments of awareness can help you start listening to yourself again.
By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern
Sometimes the hardest part of coming back to yourself is realizing you don’t always know what you feel, what you need, or what you want. Even a step further, you don’t always know what would actually feel supportive. This can sound like:
“I don’t know”
“It’s fine”
“Whatever works”
“I’m just tired”.
At times, those statements might be true. In other instances, our autopilot kicks in and those responses could be a signal that your inner voice has gotten harder to hear.
Looking Outward
If you’ve spent a lot of time paying attention to what other people need, expect, or feel, it can become automatic to look outward before you check in with yourself. For example, you might scan someone else’s mood before naming your own, think about how they’ll respond before deciding what you want to say, or even adjust yourself so quickly that you don’t even realize you had a preference.
You’ve practiced listening to everything around you first, and over time this can make it harder to hear yourself clearly.
I heard someone say once “the perception of ourselves is usually less likely seen through our own lens first, and instead through the lens of the first two external opinions about us”.
In other words, sometimes we learn to see ourselves through other people’s reactions before we ever learn to see ourselves through our own. When you’ve spent a long time looking outward for cues, your sense of self can start to feel shaped by other people’s perceptions.
Your Inner Voice Might Start Small
Hearing yourself again doesn’t always sound like a clear, confident answer. Sometimes it starts as small internal signals such as:
a tight feeling in your chest
a sense of hesitation
a little resentment
feeling quietly pulled toward something
a feeling of ease when something is right (or unease when it feels unaligned)
These signals might not give you a full answer right away, but they matter as information that can help you begin to pay attention to yourself and naming your needs.
It’s a Marathon, Not a Race
A lot of people might experience pressure to feel like they need to rush the process. Listening to yourself is more like a marathon than a race. As previously mentioned, it’s not about getting the answer immediately or knowing exactly what is happening the first time you tune in to yourself.
It’s about building trust with yourself to keep coming back, even when the answer might feel grey or unclear. Pausing, noticing signals, and listening to the small moments of information rather than forced clarity is where you give yourself space enough to hear what is happening.
You might not know all of the answers yet, but you might know:
“something about this feels off”
“i need more time”
“I don’t want to answer right now”
“I think i need space”
Small Ways to Start Hearing Yourself Again
Learning to hear yourself again can happen through small, repeated check-ins.
You can start by asking:
What am I feeling right now?
What do I notice in my body?
I always encourage curiosity over even the smallest shifts in body language.
What feels heavy?
What feels supportive?
What am I wanting to say but holding back?
What would feel like more honesty here?
There is no pressure to answer all of them, and no “right or wrong” answer to any of them. Just engaging in one question, without shifting to shame or judgement, can create a little more space between autopilot and awareness.
Different Ways to Connect
Hearing yourself again doesn’t only happen through one avenue like journaling or deep reflection (although these steps and practices are part of the process) because you are layered, so it makes sense that your self-connection can be layered too.
Sometimes you hear yourself more clearly through things like: music, movement, rest, creativity, silence, or noticing what gives you energy and what drains you.
The point being, there isn’t one right way to start the process and the goal isn’t to force clarity, but more so engage in curiously to notice.
A small shift you can try:
The next time you hear yourself say “I don’t know” take a pause. Instead of pushing for an answer, try asking:
“If i did know, what might I be feeling?” or “ what is the smallest thing I can notice right now"?
Maybe its a feeling, a body cue, a preference, or maybe its only uncertainty and that is still information.
Final Thoughts
At first, listening to yourself might feel unfamiliar. You may second-guess what you notice or wonder if your needs are valid. You might experience guilt for having a preference. That doesn’t mean you are doing it wrong, but it means that practice is happening and building trust with yourself happens each time you pause, notice, and listen with a little bit more care.
Your inner voice might be quiet right now, but quiet doesn’t mean absent.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.
Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.
About The Author
Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.
Start Small: Coming Back to Yourself in Everyday Moments
Coming back to yourself doesn’t require a big life change. Learn how small, everyday moments can help you reconnect with your needs, preferences, and sense of self—one step at a time.
By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern
When people think about “finding themselves” or “coming back to themselves”, it can feel like something big. Naturally, you might be waiting for a realization, a major life shift, or a sign or moment where everything becomes clear.
In reality, while those huge moments can definitely happen along the way, most of the time coming back to yourself feels much quieter.
It Starts in Small Moments
Seeds of reconnection generally happen in the day to day moments, conversations and routines. You might remember in the first blog series of exploring self-loss, we discussed the importance of moments like:
pausing before you automatically say “yes”
noticing when something feels off
choosing what you actually want instead of defaulting
taking a breath before reacting
While these moments can feel small and not necessarily like a huge revelation, they are the building blocks of how you begin to reconnect with yourself.
Why It Can Feel Hard
If you have spent a lot of time focused on others and what they need, what they expect, and how they might respond, it makes sense that your own voice might feel quieter or “got lost in the weeds”.
Some signs of internal disconnection can look like:
you aren’t sure what you want
you go along things without thinking (autopilot)
you respond quickly, then question it later
If you have or are currently experiencing any of these things, that doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. You might have gotten used to looking outward, and the multilayered parts of you are going unnoticed.
Coming Back To Yourself Doesn’t Require Clarity
A lot of people might think: “once i know exactly what i need, then I’ll start.”
It actually usually works the other way around through the lens of curiosity.
Clarity can come after you start getting curious about your needs and paying attention to yourself. You don’t need to have everything figured out to begin reconnecting with yourself.
What 1% Steps Can Look Like
Starting the process of coming back to yourself can start with freeing yourself of any internal expectations of perfection or what “it’s supposed to look like”.
It can start by pausing and noticing “What do I want here?” and letting yourself choose something you want. But its important to be aware that we aren’t meant to connect to ourselves in just one way.
As people, we aren’t one dimensional, but rather layered with thoughts, emotions experiences, and different parts of ourselves that don’t show up the same way every time. So it makes sense that reconnecting with yourself won’t look one way either.
Back to the idea of curiosity and staying open minded to experiencing new moments or things like:
creativity
movement
music
being in nature
moments where you feel a little more like yourself
You might even notice yourself more when you are:
writing something without overthinking it
listening to a song that resonates
moving your body in a way that feels natural (for me that is slow walks)
doing something that brings a sense of ease like a hobby you used to love
The point is, there isn’t one “right way” to reconnect. Just putting down what feels heavy and picking up what feels more aligned and noticing what feels more like you.
Final Thoughts
Coming back to yourself isn’t about becoming someone new, but maybe more about noticing what is already there and giving it a little more space and curiosity even if it feels unfamiliar at first. You don’t always need a huge breakthrough to reconnect with yourself, just one moment and then another, one percent at a time.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.
Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.
About The Author
Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.
Moving Toward the Life You Want (even when it’s hard).
You don’t have to feel ready to move forward. Learn how taking small, values-based steps—even with discomfort—can help you build a meaningful life.
By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern
There might be a version of your life that you want to move toward.
Maybe in that version you speak more honestly, show up more fully, and feel more like yourself. Getting there doesn’t always feel easy and the path ahead might look distant because along the way there might be thoughts that show up: “what if i mess this up?” or “what if i’m not ready?”
The emotions that follow are generally fear, doubt, and uncertainty leading us to pause our steps ahead because it might feel hard.
The Waiting Game
It’s definitely natural to want to feel ready before taking a step forward. Maybe you are waiting to feel ready to speak your needs, try something new, or make a change in your life.
Our nervous system craves certainty, confidence, and less anxiety. But sometimes that feeling of “ready” doesn’t always come or pushes us in an anxiety loop.
It makes sense to want to feel prepared before doing something hard, but when your actions depend on how you feel it can keep your life on constant pause. Feelings change or come and go, and if you are waiting for fear, doubt, or discomfort to completely disappear before your move forward, you might be stuck playing the waiting game.
Moving Forward with Emotional Flexibility
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), the focus isn’t on waiting for the “right” feeling. Instead, it’s learning how to move in the direction of what matters (even when uncomfortable thoughts and emotions are present).
In these moments, instead of trying to get rid of fear or doubt, you can learn how to use emotional flexibility to move with them and carry discomfort without letting it decide everything.
Maybe that looks like:
speaking up, even when your voice feels shaky
setting a boundary, even when it feels uncomfortable
showing up, even when part of you wants to avoid it.
Moving toward those things not because you feel ready, but because they matter to you.
Values Driven Direction
Values and feelings can have a similar role internally, but are also different in a sense of feelings are generally temporary and values are more directional. Values reflect the kind of person you want to be, how you want to show up, and what matters most to you.
When you act from your values, you aren’t necessarily waiting to feel a certain way first. You are choosing that matters to you.
You don’t need the perfect moment or plan, you just need to know where you want to move toward.
One Small Step Is Enough
Moving forward doesn’t have to be big. It can be one small shift toward something that matters like:
sending the message you’ve been thinking about
saying one honest sentence out loud instead of overexplaining yourself
showing up even if you feel nervous (not to get this confused with feeling unsafe. safety is number one priority).
choosing not to avoid something that matters to you (building self-trust).
A small shift can also look like:
Instead of asking: “Do i feel ready?”
Try asking: “What matters to me here?”
Try taking one small step in that direction even if part of you feels uncomfortable.
Final Thoughts
Moving toward the future you want doesn’t mean eliminating doubts, feelings, or fears. You don’t have to have everything figured out today, you just have to take one small step and then another. Begin as you are, just one percent at a time.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.
Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.
About The Author
Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.
You Are Not Your Thoughts.
Your thoughts can feel convincing—but they’re not facts. Learn how to step back from overthinking and create space from your mind using simple ACT-based tools.
By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern
There is something your mind can do really well: tell stories.
Stories about who you are, what you are doing wrong, and what might happen next. Sometimes, those stories feel so real that you don’t even question them.
When Thoughts Start to Feel Like Facts
A can show up telling the story of:
“I’m not doing enough.”
“I always mess things up.”
“Something bad is going to happen.”
Instead of noticing it as a thought, it starts to feel like the truth.
Some second nature responses to the thoughts are generally overthinking, second-guessing yourself, holding back from the present moment, or trying to fix it.
Getting Hooked by Your Thoughts
The reality is, this is not a unique experience and something many people encounter.
Your mind starts to say something, and you gethooked by it. Then, you are no longer just having the thought but you’re getting stuck inside of it. When this happens your thoughts can start to:
shape your mood
influence your decisions
limit how you show up in your life
You might not even realize it at first, but your mind and body are interconnected in most ways.
What If Your Thoughts Aren’t the Problem?
Naturally, thoughts will come and go throughout the day. The goal isn’t to get rid of your thoughts and that safety shield mindset usually makes them louder and doesn’t work in the long run.
Instead, what if the shift is this: learning how to see your thoughts as thoughts and not as facts you have to obey.
Creating Space from Your Mind
When you become intertwined within your thoughts, you might start to believe they are urgent commands or absolute facts. In ACT, you learn to shift your perspective from looking from inside of the thought to looking at them from an external position. This is called defusion or in other words, detaching from distressing thoughts.
It’s the ability to step back, even just slightly, from what your mind is saying. Refraining from arguing with it or trying to prove it wrong, but just to notice it.
When you can notice a thought, you are no longer completely inside of it. The goal isn’t to force positivity or get rid of thoughts forever, but to instead make space for them that doesn’t dictate your behavior and steal your present self.
A Small Shift You Can Try
The next time your mind says something like:
“I’m going to mess this up”
Pause and gently say: “I’m noticing the thought that I’m going to mess this up.”
This might feel small, but the purpose is to create distance and soften the intensity of the thought and gives you more choice in how you respond. Just like daily habits like eating healthy or working out, your brain needs to be rewired and retrained to not be afraid of your thoughts.
Your Thoughts Are Like Clouds in the Sky
You don’t have to believe every thought you have. Your mind will continue to generate thoughts because that is essentially one of the many jobs it does. Some will be helpful, and some won’t be so helpful. But you don’t have to believe all of them and you don’t have to let them run your life.
A technique you might want to try is to visualize your thoughts written on clouds in the windy sky, then watch them drift away rather than holding on to them.
Final Thoughts
You can learn to notice your thoughts, create space for them, and still move toward what matters even when your mind is loud. You are not your thoughts, you are the one noticing them. Within that small space is where change can start to begin.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.
Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.
About The Author
Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.
Make Space For Your Emotions (instead of fighting them)
What if your emotions aren’t the problem? Learn how fighting anxiety, sadness, or anger can make them stronger—and how to make space for what you feel without being overwhelmed.
By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern
Most people actually know the moment emotions show up such as anxiety, sadness, and frustration. However, some might have been conditioned to respond to these emotions with avoidance or “i just need this to go away”.
So time after time, the emotion is constantly being pushed down and you are distracting yourself or talking yourself out of feeling it. For many, this is a protective factor in moments of unwanted stress or discomfort (and it can work for a while). Eventually, the emotions come back, get louder, and heavier until its not just a signal being noticed but more of a feeling you are trying to constantly fight.
The exhaustion of fighting your emotions
Just like most situations, we treat emotions like problems that need to be solved and the result can be a constant loop:
a feeling shows up
you try to control or avoid it
it sticks around (or comes back stronger)
then you try even harder to discredit or avoid it
Over time, this can create burnout not just from the emotion itself, but also from the overwhelming effort of trying not to feel it at all.
Your emotions aren’t the problem
Emotions (even the most uncomfortable ones) are just a part of being human.
Anxiety can show up in moments when something matters, sadness can show up when something hurts, and frustration can show up when something feels unfair. They aren’t necessarily convenient or timed well and they most definitely aren’t always easy.
But they’re also not something that needs to be completely eliminated.
What happens when you stop fighting
When you stop trying to push emotions away, something can shift inside your brain and nervous system and telling our internal selves we don’t have to be afraid to feel. The feeling may not completely disappear, but the struggle around it can soften up and the emotion wave eventually comes back down.
Instead of: “I can’t feel this”
It becomes: “this is here right now”
Just allowing a subtle shift in perspective and taking a split second breath to allow space instead of problem solving can reduce how overwhelming it feels, help you stay present instead of spiraling, and give you an actual choice of how to respond.
What “making space” actually looks like
Making space for your emotions doesn’t mean you like them or that you want them there. It can mean you are allowing them to exist without trying to immediately change them.
In real life, that might look like:
pausing instead of reacting right away
noticing where you feel the emotion in your body
letting the feeling rise and fall without forcing it out
continuing what matters, even while the feeling is there
It’s less about doing things perfectly and more about not fighting what’s already happening.
One of the biggest fears people might have is “if i let myself feel this, it will take over.”
But often, that resistance is what makes emotions feel bigger and when you allow space for them, they tend to move, shift, or change on their own.
A small shift you can try
The next time a difficult emotion shows up try:
Instead of asking: “how do i get rid of this”
Ask (gently): “can i make a little space for this, just for a moment?”
You don’t have to commit to the feeling forever, just for the short moment.
Final Thoughts
You don’t need to be a master or expert of your emotions and you don’t need to get rid of them. You also don’t have to fight your emotions to be okay or emotionally safe. You can learn to hold them without letting them hold you.
Learning to feel them, make space for them, and still move forward are the small steps that can create meaningful change one percent at a time.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.
Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.
About The Author
Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.
You’re Not Broken: Why trying to “fix” yourself is keeping you stuck.
Trying to fix every thought or emotion can leave you feeling more stuck, not less. Learn how emotional flexibility can help you move forward—without needing to “fix” yourself first.
By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern
Somewhere along the way, many of us learned a subliminal message: if I could just fix myself and my feelings, I will finally feel okay.
We might believe that “fixing” the emotions, the anxiety and the overthinking will surely change our reactions or the way we show up. To some extent that might feel like it will work, especially if we have conditioned ourselves to push down uncomfortable feelings and put a band-aid of “think more positive” over them. You might even tell yourself “just get it together” and yet, the feeling of stuck is still hiding in the background of your body or subconscious.
The lack of control can lead to frustration and even more overwhelm than the initial emotions even presented in the first place.
You’re not broken, but it can feel that way.
When your thoughts feel loud, your emotions feel overwhelming, or your relationships feel harder, it is easy to assume “something must be wrong with me”.
And the initial instinct is to probably turn inward and start trying to fix everything you experience. However, emotions a problem to fix or an equation to solve. In the contrary, the constant effort to fix yourself can actually create more of the struggle you’re trying to escape.
It’s not necessarily wrong to want to problem solve, but the approach in itself is exhausting.
The trap of “fixing yourself”.
When thoughts and emotions are treated like problems to solve, you might get stuck in a cycle that looks like:
You notice a thought or feeling you don’t like
You try to get rid of it, change it, or control it
It comes back (often a lot stronger)
You try even harder
Over time, your energy goes into managing your inner world instead of actually living your life and you might find yourself overthinking everything, avoiding situations, waiting to “feel better” before taking action, and feeling like you are constantly working on yourself but never actually moving forward.
What if nothing is wrong with you?
What if your anxiety, your self-doubt, and your emotional reactions aren’t signs that you are broken…what if they are simply just part of being human?
That doesn’t mean that you have to like how you feel or that things don’t need to change. There are absolutely tools that can be learned to open up a different possibility.
Maybe the goal isn’t to fix yourself, but instead to change how you relate to what you experience.
A different approach: Emotional Flexibility.
Emotional flexibility is the ability to:
Notice your thoughts and feelings
make space for them (without judgement or overwhelm)
still move toward the life you want.
You can’t get rid of discomfort completely, but you can not let discomfort run your life. For example, one small shift can look like:
Instead of asking: “how do i stop feeling this way?”
You begin to ask: “how do i live my life, even when i feel this way?”
You don’t have to fix yourself to move forward.
You don’t have to wait until your thoughts are silent or your anxiety is gone or you feel completely confident. You can take a small, meaningful step forward with those things still present. That might look like setting a boundary, saying what you feel, taking a walk outside, or letting a feeling exist and showing up even when it is uncomfortable.
Not in a perfect way or even all at once, but just one percent at a time.
Final Thoughts
At One Percent Counseling, I believe that change doesn’t come from “fixing” who you are but with small steps in learning how to be with yourself differently, responding instead of reacting, and moving one percent forward (even when its hard).
If you have been feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or like you are constantly trying to “work on yourself” let this be a reminder that you don’t have to fix yourself to start moving forward.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.
Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.
About The Author
Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.
Disagreeing without Disconnecting
Disagreements are part of every relationship—but disconnection doesn’t have to be. Learn how to stay emotionally connected, even in the middle of conflict, with simple, practical tools you can actually use.
By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern
Disagreement Fatigue
There can be moments in arguments that feel familiar, and in the same sense you might feel everything shift. Conversations can quickly turn into layers of tension that is often cooccurring with signs of defensiveness, tone changes, and overall fatigue from the cycle starting again.
Suddenly, it can feel like you are two partners who are not on the same team anymore and the disagreement turns into disconnection. That is the part that can sting the most. Naturally in life, stress will come and disagreements are bound to happen. It’s not necessarily about if or when you will disagree (again it is a natural part of existence) its about how you disagree.
The Quicksand of Disconnection
Disconnection isn’t always a random act, but it can happen when our protective factors step in. When something feels threatening (like criticism, rejection, not being understood), your nervous system might react through:
you defending
you shutting down
you getting louder
or you emotionally pulling away.
Then you find yourself getting stuck in quicksand disconnection. This doesn’t mean you don’t care, but these protective signals might contribute to the distance you’re afraid of.
How do you argue?
I want to be clear that arguments are naturally going to occur and even the healthiest couples do disagree. The goal isn’t to just completely avoid conflict, but more to stay connected inside of it. Connection can be the bridge to make repair possible.
What it can look like to disagree without disconnecting:
Pausing more
Staying curious instead of assuming
naming your feelings instead of attacking
letting the conversation slow down
These small intentional changes can lead to creating space for staying connected and seeking to understand during hard conversations.
4 Ways to stay Connected during Conflict
Slow down the moment: When things escalate, speed increases.
example: “I want to talk about this, but I can feel myself getting overwhelmed. Can we slow this down?”
Slowing down creates space to still feel connection.
Share what is happening underneath: Most arguments aren’t about the surface issue.
example: instead of “you never help around the house”
try: “I think I have been feeling overwhelmed and unsupported.”
This shifts the conversation from blame to vulnerability.
Stay on the same team: Conflict can quickly turn into “me vs. you”.
example: “it feels like we are getting off track. i want to figure this out together”.
This reinforces connection, even in disagreement.
Take breaks without abandoning: sometimes space is needed but how you take it matters.
Instead of shutting down or walking away without explanation:
“i need a little time to calm down, but i want to come back to this.”
Distance without reassurance can feel like rejection and distance with intention can build emotional safety.
You wont get it perfect, and that is okay! You might still say things that you didn’t mean, get triggered, or miss each other in conversations. We are all human. What matters most isn’t avoiding mistakes, but its being able to come back, repair, and connect again.
Final Thoughts
Disagreements don’t always have to mean complete disconnection. You can feel frustrated, hurt, or misunderstood and still choose to stay emotionally present. Over time, those small intentional moments (pausing, softening, coming back), are what build trust, safety and a deeper connection. Conflict may not disappear completely, but you can learn how to move through it together.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.
Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.
About The Author
Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.
Love Is There…But It Can Still Feel Like Tug of War
Love can be present in a relationship and still feel difficult. This blog explores why relationships feel hard even when you care deeply and how small emotional shifts can help you reconnect and feel understood.
By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern
Love Can Also Feel Hard
Sometimes there are external expectations or even a quiet kind of confusion that can show up in relationships that looklike they should be working. A lot of times, you do love each other and you care deeply. Maybe you keep trying different ways of connecting and yet…it still feels a bit hard.
The hardest part can sometimes be communication, feeling close in the ways you want to and even feeling understood. A natural thought may even cross your mind from time to time of “why does this feel a bit difficult if we love each other?”
Love Doesn’t Automatically Mean Ease
We are often taught in culture or society that love should feel natural, effortless, or intuitive. However, love and relating are two very different things. Love is a feeling to definitely be highlighted and enjoyed, but relationships are also a system.
Relationship systems are often shaped by:
Past experiences and previous relationships
Attachment patterns
Communication styles
Emotional safety (or lack of it)
So in a lot of ways, there is a lot of room to absolutely love someone and still struggle to feel connected or understood by them. You are two different individuals and internal beings trying to find a common middle.
Why It Might Still Feel Hard
When love is there but things feel a little bit difficult sometimes its not about how much you love each other, but more about how you experience each other in hard moments. From a Narrative lens, your perspective of the “problem” could be that it is in between your relationship versus the “problem” being externalized from your relationship. In other words, it’s you and your partner versus the problem and you are both facing it together. Not the problem in the middle of you and your partner.
There are often a few common patterns:
You could be triggering each other without realizing it: what feels like “overreacting” is often a nervous system response where one person feels rejected (and becomes critical) and the other feels attacked (and withdraws). Neither is trying to hurt the other…but both of you feel hurt.
You’re both speaking different emotional languages: you both might be expressing a form of care, but in ways the other doesn’t recognize. One might want reassurance through words while the other shows love through actions. Then, it can feel like the love is missing even when it’s present in some form.
You’re protecting instead of connecting: when things feel tense, our instincts are to protect ourselves from discomfort or conflict. In most cases, this cycle of protection (defend, attack, withdraw like we discussed before) creates distance.
The relationship feels heavy instead of safe: love thrives in emotional safety. If the relationship starts to feel like a repetitive argument or walking on eggshells, even strong love can feel exhausting.
This Doesn’t Mean The Worst
If it feels hard, it doesn’t automatically mean that you’re with the wrong person or that the relationship is failing or that love isn’t enough. Sometimes it means that you haven’t learned how to navigate each other’s emotional worlds yet. I am a believer that you don’t have to rely on a huge overnight “fix”. Meaningful change is through the “trial and error” and the small one percent shifts.
Slow the moment down to create awareness and instead of reacting quickly, try:
“why am i feeling this way”
“what might my partner be feeling”
Get curious instead of defensive:
instead of “why are you doing this” try “help me understand what is coming up for you”
Name the cycle and not the person (turning you into a team vs. the problem):
shift from “you always shut down” to “we keep getting stuck in this patter where i push and you pull away”.
Emotional safety is built when people feel heard and understood, not judged. Sometimes the most powerful shifts can be as simple as “i see why you would feel that way”.
Final Thoughts
Love is important, but sometimes it isn’t the only thing that makes a relationship feel good. Most relationships (even non romantic) require a level of understanding, emotional attunement, repair, and intention.
If that feels hard right now, it doesn’t erase the love that is already there. Sometimes it just means there is something in the way you are connecting that needs more attention.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.
Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.
About The Author
Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.
You’re Not Just Fighting About the Dishes.
Most arguments in relationships aren’t actually about what they seem. What starts as a disagreement about something small like the dishes or responsibilities, can often reflect deeper emotional experiences like feeling unsupported, unappreciated, or alone. In this post, we break down why couples get stuck in the repetitive cycles and how understanding emotions underneath can create meaningful shifts in conversation.
By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern
Is it Dishes or Disappointment?
If you read last week’s blog, you might already be familiar with how easy it is for couples to get stuck in the same argument loop. Even when it’s a different day with a different topic, the same exact feeling can still exist in our brains or bodies.
This week, we are going to slow that down even further because most of the time you’re not just actually fighting about the dishes.
The Surface Argument
Common arguments might sound like:
“Why do I always have to ask you for help?”
“You said you’d do it and you didn’t.”
“Its just dishes, its not that big of a deal.”
Somewhere along the way, these surface arguments escalate and you might notice that the tone starts changing, defensiveness starts kicking in, and someone might start shutting down. Then all of a sudden, you’re not even talking about the dishes anymore…you’re talking about almost everything.
What is Actually Happening Underneath?
Arguments like this start leaning away from the task itself, but start to mold into what the task might represent in the relationship.
The dishes might mean:
“I don’t feel supported.”
“I feel like I am carrying everything alone.”
“I don’t feel important to you.”
“I feel like I have to manage everything for us.”
And on the other side it might feel like:
“Nothing I do is enough.”
“I’m constantly being criticized.”
“I can’t get it right.”
“I feel controlled or micromanaged.”
So instead of one person asking for help and the other responding, now you have one person expressing hurt (through frustration) and the other hearing failure (and reacting defensively).
Different Topic, Same Fight
This is where it connects to last week’s conflict cycle:
One partner pushes (often through criticism or frustration)
The other defends or shuts down
The first partner feels even more alone and pushes harder
The second partner withdraws more
Whatever the initial context or task was suddenly moves to the background, because now it’s shifting to feeling overall disconnected.
The Emotional Experience (what it might feel like inside)
Underneath the words tone, and the constant back and forth, there is also a physiological experience that might be happening. This experience can happen fast and instead of expressing hurt, fear, or a need of support it comes out as something more frustrating or defensive. Not even because you don’t care, but sometimes the emotions are harder to say out loud.
For one partner it might include:
a tightness in your chest when you realize you’re the one bringing things up
a sense of exhaustion from carrying the same responsibility
a thought that sounds like “I don’t think i matter as much as i want to.”
For the other partner it might feel like:
a sinking in your stomach when the conversation starts
a rush of pressure to “fix it” or get things right
a thought that might sound like “I’m already failing before i even try.”
Why This Part Matters
When we miss the emotional experience, we stay stuck at the surface. We try to solve the problem (“just do the dishes” or “communicate better”) without understanding what the moment actually means to each person.
Intentional and gradual recognition can help shift the conversation:
“this isn’t just frustration, I’m actually feeling alone.”
“this isn’t just criticism, I’m feeling like I’m not enough”.
Small shifts can allow for reactions to slow down just enough to allow the conversation to soften and make more room for a meaningful connection. This part doesn’t necessarily feel “easy” or “calming”. A lot of the time our instinct is to jump to the solution so we don’t have to face uncomfortable emotions or needs.
Simple Reframe
The goal isn’t to perfectly communicate every feeling. But even a small shift can change the direction of the conversation and future outcomes.
Instead of: “You never help me.”
Try: : “I think I’m feeling overwhelmed and I could really use support right now.”
Instead of: “Why are you making this such a big deal?”
Try: “I feel like I’m getting it wrong, can you help me understand what you need?”
These might not be perfect in every situation, but they can help you shift from blame to understanding and from defense to connection.
Next time an argument starts, pause and ask yourself: “What is this really about for me?”
Is it:
Feeling unseen?
feeling unappreciated?
feeling like you’re doing things alone?
That question alone can be the one percent shift and what it takes to interrupt the conflict cycle.
Final Thoughts
The dishes aren’t always the problem. Even the argument itself is not always the problem. What is bubbling up underneath could potentially be disconnection and a yearning for a certain need wanting to be met or a certain emotion needing to be named.
Once you start taking one pause to understand what is actually being communicated or expressed, you can begin to respond to each other differently and seek to understand vs seeking to respond. Maybe not perfectly or even all at once, but just one percent at time.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.
Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.
About The Author
Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.
Why Every Argument Feels The Same
Why do arguments in relationships feel like they repeat themselves? Many couples get stuck in a conflict cycle of defend, attack, and withdraw leaving both partners feeling misunderstood and disconnected. This post breaks down why it happens and how small shifts can interrupt the pattern.
By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern
Conflict Cycles
Have you ever walked away from an argument thinking, “How did we end up here…again?” It could be a different topic with different words, but it all leads to the same outcome, the same feelings, and sadly the same disconnection.
This can feel confusing in any relationship, especially when the underlying truth is that both people genuinely care about each other.
But here is some perspective: most couples aren’t arguing about what they think they are arguing about. They’re just caught in a pattern that shows itself in so many different communications.
The Real Problem: The Cycle, Not the Topic
On the surface, arguments might look like they are about:
Who didnt help enough
Tone of voice
Time spent together
Texts not being answered
But underneath that context is often something a bit deeper such as:
Feeling unappreciated
Feeling unseen
Feeling disconnected
Feeling like you don’t matter in that moment
When those feelings get triggered, most couples tend to fall into a predictable cycle that repeats itself over and over.
Most Common Conflict Cycle: Defend - Attack - Withdraw
Let’s breakdown some of the most common patterns that show up in relationships (that I have also seen in practice):
Defend
This often starts when one partner feels criticized or blamed, even if that wasn’t the intention. So they might respond by:
Explaining themselves
Justifying their actions
Saying “thats now what i meant” or “you misunderstood me”.
What could be underneath: “I don’t want to be seen as the bad one”.
Attack
One partner now feels dismissed or not heard so they might choose to escalate by:
Raising their voice
Bringing up past issues
Using statements like “you always…” or “you never…”
What could be underneath: "I need you to understand how much this hurts.”
Withdraw
At some point or another, one partner shuts down which might look like:
Going quiet
Walking away
Emotionally checking out
What could be underneath: “This is too much. I don’t feel safe here.”
And from there on, the cycle continues to reset and nothing actually gets resolved. Both partners leave feeling misunderstood, frustrated, and even more disconnected.
Why This Cycle Feels So Stuck
Because each part of this response cycle triggers the next one, defensiveness starts to feel like dismissal that leads to attack. Attack feels overwhelming and leads to withdrawal. Withdraw feels like abandonment and leads back to attack or even criticism.
This pattern becomes less about the original issue and more about reacting to each other’s reactions and over time couples start to automatically anticipate this cycle or a “here we go again” response.
One Percent Shift Awareness Before Change
Before trying to fix communication, solve the problem, or “say the right thing” you can try to start by noticing the cycle:
Where do you typically land? Defend, attack, or withdraw?
What do you feel right before you react?
What are you actually needing in that moment?
Awareness is the first one percent shift where you can name the pattern you create just enough to create space to respond even slightly different.
You don’t have to completely change how you communicate overnight. Some small changes or focuses can include:
If you tend to defend: try pausing before explaining and stay “I want to understand what you’re feeling first”.
If you tend to attack: try softening the start: “I feel hurt when…” instead of “you always…”
If you tend to withdraw: try staying just a little longer and saying “Im overwhelmed, but I don’t want to shut down.”
These aren’t perfect response or “the right answer”, but they don’t have to be. They are interruptions to the cycle in order to facilitate small change.
Final Thoughts
If your arguments feel repetitive, it doesn’t mean that your relationship is broken, but most likely that there is a pattern that hasn’t been totally named yet. Arguments will come naturally and the goal isn’t to completely eliminate them, but to better understand what’s happening within the argument.
When you can see the cycle clearly, you can stop turning against each other and start turning toward the problem together. Those small shifts can add up to more understanding, more emotional safety, and more connection one percent at a time.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.
Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.
About The Author
Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.
Rebuilding Self-Trust One Percent at a time.
Rebuilding self trust after self loss starts with small, intentional changes. Learn practical ways to reconnect with yourself one step at a time.
By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern
Repairing Self-Trust
At the heart and core of self loss is often something quiet, but impactful: a disconnection from your own sense of self-trust.
Self-trust doesn’t usually disappear overnight, and it actually tends to fade pretty gradually through things like people-pleasing, minimizing your feelings, staying in situations that don’t align with you, or constantly looking outside of yourself for validation.
And because it fades slowly, rebuilding it doesn’t happen all at once either. The first shift in rebuilding self-trust is recognizing you are not stuck, you are not unfixable, and you can learn who you really want to be once percent at a time.
What Rebuilding Self-Trust Means
Rebuilding self-trust means learning to come back to yourself more gently, more consistently, and more intentionally.
It’s the process of:
Listening to your internal cues instead of ignoring them
Honoring your needs, even when it feels uncomfortable or inconvenient
Following through on the small promises you make to yourself Giving yourself permission for your voice to matter again
The goal is not about becoming perfectly confident or never having moments of second guessing yourself, but more about creating a relationship with yourself where you feel safe enough to rely on you.
What the Process Can Look Like
Change can definitely feel uncomfortable and even overwhelming at times, especially when you have been disconnected from yourself for a while. The focus of this conversation is not about a dramatic transformation, but more so about the small intentional shifts.
One percent shifts might look like:
Pausing before saying “yes” and asking yourself if you actually mean it
Noticing when something feels off (and letting that feeling count as something)
Saying “I need time to think about it” instead of reacting immediately
Following through on one small commitment to yourself each day
Choosing rest without needing to justify it
Speaking up in a low-stakes moment
Letting your preferences exist, even if they are different from others around you
These moments may seem small and obvious, but they send a powerful message internally that I can trust myself to show up for me.
Tangible Ways to Rebuild Self-Trust
If you’re not sure where to start, here are a few grounded and maybe practical ways to begin:
Keep small promises to yourself. Start with something realistic like drinking water in the morning, going for a short walk, or journaling for five minutes (even if it’s a brain dump, there is no right or wrong way to journal). Consistency with these small promises builds trust over time.
Practice checking in before responding. Before agreeing to something, pause and ask yourself: Do I actually want to do this? Create space before your decisions to notice what your initial instinct is. Noticing is a meaningful part of the process and is a step forward.
Name what you feel without dismissing it. Instead of minimizing things that you have been able to tolerate before or resorting to “its not a big deal”, try: This actually matters to me. Your feelings don’t need to be extreme to be valid.
Set one boundary at a time. Boundaries don't need to happen all at once or in a perfect way. Create space to have just one moment where you choose yourself differently.
Reflect on what you followed through on. At the end of the day, ask yourself: Where did I show up for myself today? This will allow your mind to notice trust-building moments and their impact.
Let yourself be a work in progress. Self-trust isn’t built through perfection, but it is built through a lens of flexibility and repair. In moments that you override yourself (especially if it is second nature), try to notice it and try again next time. Trying isn’t failing, and progress is not linear.
How Rebuilding Self-Trust Helps
When you begin to trust yourself again, things can start to shift internally and externally.
Over time, you may notice:
Less overthinking and second guessing
Clearer decision making
Stronger boundaries without as much guilt
A deeper sense of stability within yourself
More alignment in your relationships
A growing sense of confidence that feels grounded and not forced
Building self-trust can mean that you stop outsourcing your worth and your direction, and instead you can begin to feel more anchored in yourself.
Final Thoughts: Closing the Self-Loss Series
Self-loss doesn’t mean you are broken or beyond repair, but it often means that you have adapted in ways that helped you survive, belong, or maintain connection. At some point, all of those constant adaptations can cost you your sense of self.
This series has explored what self loss can look like in relationships, through people pleasing, quiet resentment, disconnection, and the slow drift away from your own needs. Noticing these patterns can be the first step in internal repair. Rebuilding isn’t about becoming a completely different person, but more about returning to yourself and who you want to be.
That return doesn’t always have to be rooted in overwhelm, but it can be subtle, imperfect, and through small shifts that can create meaningful change over time. Through the one percent shifts, you can reconnect and rebuild a relationship with yourself that feels steady, supportive, and truly your own.
It’s okay to begin again and rebuild self-trust.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.
Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.
About The Author
Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.
The Quiet Resentment That Builds When You Don’t Speak Up.
Quiet resentment can build up when you start negotiating your needs.. This post explores how resentment can build through self-loss patterns, how they form, and how reconnecting with yourself can look like small, meaningful changes.
By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern
The Building Blocks of Resentment
Resentment rarely starts fast, loud, and obvious.
Some of the building blocks of resentment can include self-abandonment, unspoken expectations, lack of boundaries (as we have learned), emotional suppression, and lack of reciprocity.
One of the most challenging parts of resentment is that it often isn’t about what others are doing, but more so about the space between what you need and what you’ve allowed yourself to express.
It’s layered, confusing, and hard to name. It can feel like frustration, burnout, or disconnection without immediately being labeled as resentment.
How Quiet Resentment Forms
It often starts small, subtle, and even reasonable. You tell yourself:
“It’s not a big deal.”
“I’ll just handle it.”
“I don’t want to make this into something.”
“They’re just stressed.”
“I can manage.”
Some of these statements might be true and even feel safe, but over a period of time, it can shift to feeling like each moment is more compounded by the next.
Quiet resentment doesn’t always come from one major betrayal. It can build from not expressing a need, over-accommodating, and even minimizing your disappointment. Each moment can seem small, but when you consistently override your internal voice, your nervous system keeps track (even if you don’t consciously). And that is where the internal imbalance begins.
What Quiet Resentment Can Feel Like
On the outside, everything may still look “fine” or “manageable”. You may find yourself still showing up, still being reliable, and still the person other people can count on.
But over time you might notice resentment show up as:
irritability over small things
increased emotional distance from relationships
sarcasm
feeling under-appreciated but unsure how to say it
thinking “I do everything.”
feelin unseen or misunderstood.
Sometimes resentment often sounds like silence on the outside, but on the inside your body is overwhelmed.
Many people who carry quiet resentment can either be deeply caring or even craving the opposite such as seeking more stability, loyalty, reliability, or even support with responsibility.
Resentment doesn’t necessarily stem from selfishness, it can also come from self-loss and most people around you don’t even know its happening.
Why It’s So Hard to Address
Resentment can feel equally confusing and exhausting to carry. On one end, we might deeply care for others or have learned to prioritize others to keep stability in the household, or relationships. A part of you might genuinely want to be helpful, supportive, and easy to be around.
But another part of you might be tired of overextending and feeling like your needs come last.
Speaking up can sometimes feel:
selfish
dramatic
risky
disruptive
or like you’re sparking conflict
Especially if you grew up needing to manage other people’s emotions or “keep things calm”, so silence or pushing away your needs might feel safer until it really isn’t.
Resentment isn’t a personality flaw, it’s often a signal that something important hasn’t been expressed.
What Happens if it Continues
When we choose to under-express our needs , they don’t just disappear and instead they often shift inward and build up causing an increase of dysregulation and inability to focus or function on the day to day.
Unchecked resentment often leads to:
escalated arguments
passive-aggressive communication
scorekeeping
loss of intimacy or emotional pleasure in relationships.
Feeling resentment can be an isolating experience, but can be alleviated by recognizing the internal signals and rebuilding alignment with yourself.
Where it can shift
Resentment doesn’t have to be a permanent state of being and you don’t have to wait until you’re overwhelmed to start honoring your needs.
You can begin earlier, in small meaningful shifts that bring more internal and external awareness to your needs.
In therapy, this might look like:
identifying the moment you actually override yourself
naming what you actually feel
separating fear from values
practicing small, aligned communication
tolerating discomfort.
Putting these ideas into real practice can also take time, but it doesn’t have to be confrontational.
Sharing small truths and building self-trust can reduce resentment and can look like:
“I actually feel overwhelmed.”
“I need help tonight.”
“That didn’t sit right with me.”
“Can we revisit that?”
Final Thoughts
Experiencing feelings of resentment doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It often means that there is something within you that hasn’t been fully heard yet and is trying to express a need, a boundary, or a truth that deserves space.
Learning to express that doesn’t have to happen all at once, and it can start with small, intentional ways to reconnect your mind with your body. Even taking the time to notice resentment is there can be the one percent shift that leads you to a more aligned version of yourself and understanding what you need.
Gentle reflection: Where are you currently staying quiet to “keep things smooth” and what might happen if you honored your voice, even slightly more?
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.
Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.
About The Author
Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.
People-pleasing isn’t always kindness, sometimes it’s fear: Addressing boundaries and avoidance.
People pleasing often shows up as kindness, but it can also lead to self-loss and difficulty setting boundaries in relationships. This post explores how learning healthier boundaries can help you reconnect with yourself and rebuild a stronger sense of identity.
By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern
What Is People-pleasing?
People pleasing often develops as a form of protection.
At some point in life, prioritizing others may have helped maintain connection, avoid conflict, or create a sense of safety.
One of the most challenging parts of people-pleasing is that it often looks like kindness from the outside. Being considerate, supportive and accommodating are qualities many people value in themselves. But when these behaviors are driven primarily by fear, they can slowly create distance from your own needs and preferences.
Underneath chronic people pleasing is rarely kindness. It’s often rooted in avoidance, not compassion.
Common Fears
Fears associated with people-pleasing can look like:
disappointing someone
being seen as difficult
creating conflict
being rejected
being misunderstood
losing connection
And when fear runs the decisions, resentment eventually follows.
Kindness is a choice and people-pleasing is a reflex.
Kindness often says : “i want to do this.”
People-pleasing says: “i have to do this.”
Kindness feels aligned, while people-pleasing can feel tense.
The Boundary Problem
At its core, people-pleasing is a boundary issue. Not because you don’t have boundaries, but because you most likely override them.
You might notice:
saying “yes” when you feel overwhelmed
agreeing outwardly but feeling resentful internally
avoiding hard conversations
over explaining when you do say no
taking responsibility for other people’s reactions
Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away but more so about protecting your alignment, and without them self-loss can happen quietly.
The Avoidance Loop
Protective patterns of avoidance can develop while trying to avoid discomfort.
Common discomfort you might want to avoid:
guilt
anxiety
tension
disapproval
silence
conflict
Avoidance might work…temporarily.
You might get short-term relief when the moment passes and no one is upset, but the long-term cost can lead to resentment and emotional exhaustion. It can even lead to emotional distance from ourselves and others, setting the path for self-loss.
The discomfort you avoid externally eventually builds internally.
Why It Feels So Hard To Stop
People-pleasing is often a pattern that is learned early.
If you grew up:
managing other people’s emotions
being praised for being “easy”
walking on eggshells
responsible for keeping the peace
Then people-pleasing most likely was an adaptive measure that helped you belong and stay safe. Although your life has most likely moved and transitioned, your nervous system can still feel stuck or believe it’s necessary to find safety through the learned behavior.
Saying no can feel threatening, even when you logically know it isn’t.
What Healthier Boundaries Actually Look Like
When people hear the work boundaries, they often imagine confrontation or pushing people away. In reality, healthier boundaries can be presented quieter, less intense, and more practical.
They are small decisions that can help you stay connected to yourself while still caring about others.
They might sound like:
“I can’t commit to that right now.”
“I need some time to think about it.”
“That doesn’t work for me.”
“I’m feeling stretched thin.”
Healthy boundaries don’t mean that you have to stop being kind or supportive, however they can simply mean that you needs and limits exist in the relationship too.
Pausing before saying yes, allowing someone else to be disappointed, sharing preferences instead of defaulting to others, protecting time and energy, and letting help be mutual can all be helpful in alleviating self-loss and building self-trust.
Final Thoughts
People-pleasing is often talked about as being “too nice”, but many times it’s actually a subtle form of self-loss.
Over time, constantly prioritizing others, their comfort, their expectations, and their approval can slowly disconnect us from our own needs, limits, and identity.
Boundaries create space to notice your own needs again and choose responses that are aligned with your values, rather than driven by fear of upsetting someone else.
At One Percent Counseling, we don’t have high expectations to become radically assertive overnight. We honor sustainable, behavioral changes starting with one percent shifts and supporting individuals with the thought of: “Am I choosing this or am I avoiding something?”
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.
Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.
About The Author
Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.
When you don’t feel like yourself anymore: Exploring self-loss in relationships
What is self-loss? Learn the common signs of losing yourself in relationships, stress, or life transitions, and how therapy can help you reconnect with your voice, needs, and identity.
By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern
What Is Self-Loss?
Have you ever had the thought, Who am I now?
That question can feel unsettling, especially when you cannot pinpoint exactly when things changed. For many people, self-loss does not happen all at once. It happens slowly, through patterns of overgiving, people-pleasing, stress, caregiving, and trying to keep everything from falling apart.
Over time, you may begin to feel disconnected from yourself in ways that are difficult to explain but impossible to ignore.
What self-loss means
Self-loss happens when you slowly disconnect from your:
voice
preferences
needs
values
sense of direction
It can feel like you have spent so much time taking care of everyone else, managing expectations, or avoiding tension that you no longer know what you want or need.
Common signs of self-loss
You may be experiencing self-loss if you notice:
“I don’t know what I want anymore”
constant people-pleasing
avoiding conflict at all costs
making decisions to keep others comfortable
feeling resentful but staying silent
anxiety when asserting yourself
feeling smaller than you used to
These patterns are often signs that you have been disconnecting from yourself for a long time.
How self-loss happens
Self-loss often develops through:
repeated conflict cycles
fear of abandonment
childhood dynamics
cultural expectations
high-responsibility roles
long-term relationships where accommodation becomes identity
It is rarely intentional. More often, it is protective.
At some point, staying quiet, staying agreeable, or staying focused on others may have felt safer. But over time, those same patterns can leave you feeling emotionally drained and disconnected from who you are.
The emotional cost of losing yourself
When you lose connection with yourself, you may experience:
increased anxiety
emotional numbness
irritability
disconnection from your partner
low self-worth
feeling stuck
Sometimes people come to therapy believing the issue is only communication. But underneath the communication struggles, there may be something deeper happening: identity erosion.
It is hard to speak up when you no longer feel fully connected to your own inner voice.
Healing from self-loss
Healing begins with awareness.
It starts by noticing the moments when you override yourself, silence your needs, or ignore what you feel. From there, the work becomes learning how to reconnect with your voice, your values, and your sense of self.
That may include:
identifying your needs more clearly
understanding patterns of self-abandonment
setting healthier boundaries
building self-trust
making decisions that reflect your values
learning that your needs matter too
This process takes time, but it is possible.
You are not broken.
You have not failed.
You may simply be carrying patterns that once protected you but no longer support the life or relationships you want.
Final Thoughts
If you have been feeling disconnected from yourself, that matters.
Self-loss can happen quietly, but healing can begin with small, intentional steps. Reconnecting with who you are does not require perfection. It begins with noticing, naming, and allowing yourself to take up space again.
At One Percent Counseling, that kind of healing is honored. One step. One choice. One percent at a time.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.
Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.
About The Author
Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.