Learning to Hear Yourself Again
By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern
Sometimes the hardest part of coming back to yourself is realizing you don’t always know what you feel, what you need, or what you want. Even a step further, you don’t always know what would actually feel supportive. This can sound like:
“I don’t know”
“It’s fine”
“Whatever works”
“I’m just tired”.
At times, those statements might be true. In other instances, our autopilot kicks in and those responses could be a signal that your inner voice has gotten harder to hear.
Looking Outward
If you’ve spent a lot of time paying attention to what other people need, expect, or feel, it can become automatic to look outward before you check in with yourself. For example, you might scan someone else’s mood before naming your own, think about how they’ll respond before deciding what you want to say, or even adjust yourself so quickly that you don’t even realize you had a preference.
You’ve practiced listening to everything around you first, and over time this can make it harder to hear yourself clearly.
I heard someone say once “the perception of ourselves is usually less likely seen through our own lens first, and instead through the lens of the first two external opinions about us”.
In other words, sometimes we learn to see ourselves through other people’s reactions before we ever learn to see ourselves through our own. When you’ve spent a long time looking outward for cues, your sense of self can start to feel shaped by other people’s perceptions.
Your Inner Voice Might Start Small
Hearing yourself again doesn’t always sound like a clear, confident answer. Sometimes it starts as small internal signals such as:
a tight feeling in your chest
a sense of hesitation
a little resentment
feeling quietly pulled toward something
a feeling of ease when something is right (or unease when it feels unaligned)
These signals might not give you a full answer right away, but they matter as information that can help you begin to pay attention to yourself and naming your needs.
It’s a Marathon, Not a Race
A lot of people might experience pressure to feel like they need to rush the process. Listening to yourself is more like a marathon than a race. As previously mentioned, it’s not about getting the answer immediately or knowing exactly what is happening the first time you tune in to yourself.
It’s about building trust with yourself to keep coming back, even when the answer might feel grey or unclear. Pausing, noticing signals, and listening to the small moments of information rather than forced clarity is where you give yourself space enough to hear what is happening.
You might not know all of the answers yet, but you might know:
“something about this feels off”
“i need more time”
“I don’t want to answer right now”
“I think i need space”
Small Ways to Start Hearing Yourself Again
Learning to hear yourself again can happen through small, repeated check-ins.
You can start by asking:
What am I feeling right now?
What do I notice in my body?
I always encourage curiosity over even the smallest shifts in body language.
What feels heavy?
What feels supportive?
What am I wanting to say but holding back?
What would feel like more honesty here?
There is no pressure to answer all of them, and no “right or wrong” answer to any of them. Just engaging in one question, without shifting to shame or judgement, can create a little more space between autopilot and awareness.
Different Ways to Connect
Hearing yourself again doesn’t only happen through one avenue like journaling or deep reflection (although these steps and practices are part of the process) because you are layered, so it makes sense that your self-connection can be layered too.
Sometimes you hear yourself more clearly through things like: music, movement, rest, creativity, silence, or noticing what gives you energy and what drains you.
The point being, there isn’t one right way to start the process and the goal isn’t to force clarity, but more so engage in curiously to notice.
A small shift you can try:
The next time you hear yourself say “I don’t know” take a pause. Instead of pushing for an answer, try asking:
“If i did know, what might I be feeling?” or “ what is the smallest thing I can notice right now"?
Maybe its a feeling, a body cue, a preference, or maybe its only uncertainty and that is still information.
Final Thoughts
At first, listening to yourself might feel unfamiliar. You may second-guess what you notice or wonder if your needs are valid. You might experience guilt for having a preference. That doesn’t mean you are doing it wrong, but it means that practice is happening and building trust with yourself happens each time you pause, notice, and listen with a little bit more care.
Your inner voice might be quiet right now, but quiet doesn’t mean absent.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.
Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.
About The Author
Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.