How to Set Boundaries With Family Before the Holidays

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How to Set Boundaries With Family Before the Holidays

As the holidays approach, you might notice yourself thinking about family gatherings, traditions, travel plans, and everything that comes with spending time together. For some people, this season brings excitement and connection. For others, it can also bring a familiar sense of pressure.

Maybe you're already anticipating questions about your relationship, career, or personal decisions. Maybe you're trying to figure out how to divide your time between different families. Or perhaps you're noticing that, even as an adult, certain family expectations still feel difficult to navigate.

You might find yourself agreeing to plans before you've had time to consider whether they work for you, or feeling guilty about wanting something different from what your family expects. Sometimes, the hardest part is figuring out how to communicate it without feeling like you're letting someone down.

Throughout October, our Making Room for Yourself series has explored self-awareness, understanding our needs, and creating more supportive ways of navigating everyday life. As we close out the month, I want to bring that conversation into our family relationships.

Making room for yourself doesn't have to mean distancing yourself from the people you love. Sometimes it means recognizing that your needs, limits, and preferences deserve consideration within those relationships, too.

Why Can Setting Boundaries With Family Feel So Difficult?

One of the things that can make family boundaries complicated is that we're not always responding only to what's happening in the present, and we are also bringing years of experiences, expectations, and familiar roles into those interactions.

Maybe you grew up being the person who was easygoing and rarely complained or you were expected to help whenever someone needed something, or you learned that disagreeing with family members could create tension.

Over time, those experiences may influence how comfortable you feel expressing your own needs.

For example, imagine that your family has always celebrated Thanksgiving at the same person's house. This year, you and your partner want to spend part of the day together at home before joining everyone later.

When you mention that you'll arrive in the afternoon, a family member responds, “But we've always done Thanksgiving together. Why would you change that?”

Suddenly, what felt like a reasonable decision becomes something you're questioning.

You might start wondering whether you're being selfish, whether someone will be upset, or whether it would be easier to abandon your plans altogether.

And before you know it, you're trying to manage everyone else's feelings about a decision that also affects you.

This is where I think it can be helpful to recognize the difference between considering someone's feelings and feeling responsible for preventing their disappointment.

You can care about how your decisions affect others without assuming that every decision needs to make everyone happy.

Family Expectations, Culture, and the Meaning We Attach to Boundaries

When we talk about boundaries, I also think it's important to acknowledge that families have different values, traditions, and expectations surrounding connection.

In some families, spending holidays together is deeply meaningful. Showing up for relatives, prioritizing collective needs, and maintaining traditions may be important expressions of love, respect, and belonging.

These values can be meaningful sources of identity and support.

At the same time, someone may find themselves navigating tension between those expectations and their changing needs as an adult.

Maybe you've moved away, gotten married, started a family, or simply developed different preferences about how you want to spend your time.

You might value family togetherness while also needing rest. You might appreciate a tradition while wanting to participate differently. You might care deeply about your parents' feelings while recognizing that you and your partner need to make decisions together.

These experiences don't necessarily mean that your family's values are wrong or that your needs are more important than everyone else's.

They may mean that you're learning how to honor meaningful relationships while also making room for your own autonomy.

And sometimes that requires getting comfortable with the possibility that people we love may not immediately understand our decisions.

Boundaries Aren't About Controlling Someone Else's Response

I think one of the biggest misconceptions about boundaries is that they're supposed to make other people behave differently.

But a boundary isn't a guarantee that someone will agree with us, understand our perspective, or respond positively. It's about recognizing what we're comfortable with and deciding how we want to participate in a situation.

For example, you might have a family member who regularly asks personal questions about your relationship or whether you're planning to have children.

You may have previously laughed off those questions, changed the subject, or answered because you didn't want to make the interaction uncomfortable.

But this year, you might decide that you no longer want to discuss those topics at family gatherings.

A boundary could sound like:

“I know you're curious, but that's something we're keeping private. I'd rather talk about something else.”

If the questions continue, you might choose to redirect the conversation again or step away.

Notice that the boundary doesn't require the other person to agree that the topic is inappropriate.

It communicates what you're willing to discuss and what you'll do if the conversation continues.

Of course, the ability to set and maintain boundaries can be influenced by safety, financial dependence, cultural context, and family power dynamics. Not every situation allows for the same level of directness, and protecting your well-being may require a more gradual or private approach.

The goal isn't to follow one perfect boundary-setting formula. It's to consider what is appropriate, realistic, and supportive for your circumstances.

What Does Setting Boundaries With Family Actually Look Like?

Sometimes we imagine boundaries as big, uncomfortable conversations where we have to explain every reason behind our decisions.

But many boundaries are much smaller and more practical.

Maybe you're accustomed to spending the entire holiday visiting multiple households, even though you end the day exhausted.

This year, you might decide to attend one gathering and make plans with other relatives on a different day.

Instead of waiting until the last minute and feeling pressured to accommodate everyone, you communicate your plans ahead of time.

You might say, “We're going to spend Thanksgiving with you this year, and we'll plan to see everyone else over the weekend.”

Or perhaps you're the person everyone expects to organize the holiday gathering.

You coordinate the food, send reminders, manage the schedule, and make sure everything comes together.

And while you enjoy bringing people together, you've started noticing that the responsibility feels overwhelming.

A boundary might involve saying, “I'd love to host, but I can't manage everything on my own this year. Can we divide up the responsibilities?”

These conversations may not feel comfortable at first, especially if people are accustomed to you being flexible or taking on more than your share.

But communicating a limit doesn't automatically mean you're being unkind, however it can mean you're recognizing what you can realistically offer.

Making Room for Guilt Without Letting It Make Every Decision

Something I often encourage people to explore is what happens internally after they communicate a boundary.

Maybe you finally tell a family member that you won't be able to attend an event.

They sound disappointed.

You hang up the phone, and almost immediately, you start questioning yourself.

Was that rude? Should I have explained more? Maybe I should just go.

Sometimes the discomfort that follows a boundary can feel so overwhelming that we want to change our decision just to make the feeling go away.

And I think this is an important moment to get curious.

Does feeling guilty necessarily mean you've done something wrong? Or could it mean you're doing something unfamiliar?

For people who have spent years prioritizing other people's comfort, making a decision that someone dislikes may feel uncomfortable even when the decision is thoughtful and reasonable.

Through an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)-informed lens, we can explore how to make room for uncomfortable emotions while still choosing actions that reflect our values.

Maybe you value family connection, but you also value rest, honesty, and being present with your partner.

Rather than asking how to eliminate guilt entirely, you might ask yourself, “What decision reflects the kind of relationship I want to have with myself and the people I care about?”

You may still feel uncomfortable afterward.

That doesn't automatically mean you need to change your mind.

At the same time, boundaries aren't beyond reflection. If new information comes up or you realize a decision doesn't align with your values, you're allowed to reconsider.

The goal is to make decisions with intention rather than allowing guilt or the desire for immediate relief to make every decision for you.

When Your Family Doesn't Respond the Way You Hoped

One of the more challenging parts of setting boundaries is recognizing that other people are allowed to have feelings about our decisions.

A parent might feel disappointed that you won't be spending the entire holiday with them.

A sibling might be frustrated that you're no longer organizing the family gathering.

Someone may even interpret your decision as a sign that you don't care as much as you used to.

Those responses can be difficult, especially when maintaining family connection is important to you.

But I think it's helpful to remember that you can acknowledge someone's disappointment without automatically abandoning your decision.

You might say, “I understand that you were hoping we'd spend more time together. I know this is different from what we've done before, and I still want to find a time for us to connect.”

You're recognizing their experience while also communicating your own.

And sometimes, despite our best efforts, the conversation may remain uncomfortable.

Not every boundary leads to immediate understanding.

Not every disagreement can be resolved in one conversation.

And not every family member will respond in the way we hope.

Part of developing healthier boundaries may involve learning to tolerate that uncertainty while continuing to act in ways that align with our needs, responsibilities, and values.

If a family member responds with threats, intimidation, or other unsafe behavior, the priority shifts toward safety and appropriate support rather than persuading them to accept the boundary.

Your Next One Percent: Making Room for Yourself This Holiday Season

As the holidays approach, you don't have to completely change the way you interact with your family.

You also don't have to anticipate every possible disagreement or create a boundary for every situation.

Instead, consider beginning with one area where you've noticed yourself feeling overwhelmed, resentful, or disconnected from your own needs.

Maybe it's how you divide your time, the responsibilities you take on, and the personal topics you feel pressured to discuss.

Or perhaps it's simply giving yourself permission to pause before automatically agreeing to something.

You might begin practicing a response as simple as, “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.”

That small pause can create space to consider what you actually want and what you're realistically able to offer.

Because setting boundaries isn't necessarily about creating distance from your family.

Sometimes it's about finding more sustainable ways to participate in the relationships that matter to you.

And as you navigate this season, I hope you remember that making room for yourself doesn't require you to stop caring about other people.

It means recognizing that your needs deserve consideration, too.

Small Steps. Meaningful Change.

Making Room for Yourself: Weekly Reflection

As you prepare for the holiday season, consider these questions:

1. What family expectations am I anticipating this holiday season?

2. Where do I notice myself agreeing to things out of guilt, obligation, or fear of disappointing someone?

3. What traditions or connections are genuinely meaningful to me?

4. What boundaries or adjustments might help me participate in the holidays more intentionally?

5. What's one small way I can practice honoring my needs while remaining connected to my values?

You don't have to answer every question at once. Sometimes recognizing where you feel pressure is the first step toward deciding what needs to change.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I set boundaries with family without feeling guilty?

Guilt can arise when setting boundaries, particularly if you're accustomed to prioritizing other people's expectations. Rather than expecting guilt to disappear immediately, it may help to consider whether your decision reflects your needs, responsibilities, and values. You can acknowledge uncomfortable feelings without automatically changing a thoughtful decision.

Is it selfish to say no to family during the holidays?

Saying no to a family request isn't automatically selfish. Healthy relationships involve consideration for both personal needs and shared responsibilities. Setting a limit around time, energy, or participation can be one way to create more sustainable family relationships.

What if my family doesn't respect my boundaries?

You cannot always control whether someone agrees with or respects a boundary. You can, however, consider what you're willing to participate in and what actions are realistic if a boundary is repeatedly disregarded. In situations involving intimidation, coercion, or safety concerns, additional support may be important.

Can therapy help with family boundaries and people-pleasing?

Individual therapy can provide space to explore family expectations, learned relationship patterns, guilt, and difficulties communicating needs. Therapy may also help you develop greater self-awareness, clarify your values, and practice boundaries that reflect your circumstances and relationships.

Exploring Individual Therapy in Henderson, Nevada

If navigating family expectations, guilt, or boundaries has been feeling overwhelming, therapy can offer space to explore those experiences with greater curiosity and support.

At One Percent Counseling, I work with adults navigating anxiety, self-worth, relationship challenges, and patterns that can make it difficult to prioritize their own needs.

Through an approach grounded in self-awareness, supportive systems, and values-based living, we can explore what meaningful change might look like for you.

I offer individual therapy in Henderson, Nevada, with telehealth services available throughout Nevada.

Explore Individual Therapy | Learn About My Therapy Approach | Schedule a Consultation

Disclaimer: This article is intended for educational purposes and is not a substitute for individualized mental health care.

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About The Author

Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.

Why Do We Keep Having the Same Argument? Understanding Couples' Conflict Patterns

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Why Do We Keep Having the Same Argument? Understanding Couples' Conflict Patterns

By Maraya Pena · October 20, 2026

Have you ever finished an argument with your partner and thought, “How did we end up here again?”

Maybe the conversation started with something relatively small. The dishes weren't done, someone forgot to communicate a change in plans, or one person felt like they weren't getting enough quality time together. But somehow, what started as a conversation about one issue turned into something much bigger.

Before you know it, one person is feeling criticized, the other feels unheard, and you're both having a conversation that feels strangely familiar.

Sometimes the topics change, but the way we respond to each other stays the same.

Throughout October, our Making Room for Yourself series has focused on understanding our experiences, recognizing our needs, and exploring what support can look like in everyday life. This week, I want to bring that conversation into our relationships.

Making room for yourself doesn't have to mean creating distance from your partner. Sometimes it means understanding your own emotional experiences well enough to communicate them, while also making space to understand someone else's.

And sometimes that begins with getting curious about the patterns that keep showing up between you.

Sometimes the Argument Isn't Just About the Argument

Let's imagine a couple who regularly disagrees about household responsibilities.

One partner comes home after a long day and notices that the dishes are still sitting in the sink. They feel frustrated and say, “I asked you to take care of this earlier. Why do I always have to remind you?”

The other partner immediately feels criticized and responds, “I said I would do it. Why does everything have to turn into an argument?”

Now the first partner feels dismissed. They begin explaining all the other times they've felt like responsibilities haven't been shared equally. The second partner feels increasingly defensive and eventually shuts down or walks away from the conversation.

What started as a disagreement about dishes has become a much larger conversation about feeling supported, appreciated, understood, or criticized.

And while the dishes still matter, there may also be something happening underneath the surface.

For one partner, the experience might be, “Can I depend on you? Do you recognize how much I'm carrying?”

For the other, it might be, “Am I constantly disappointing you? Does anything I do feel good enough?”

Neither of those experiences automatically tells us who is right or wrong about the original responsibility. The practical issue still deserves attention and accountability.

But understanding the emotional experiences underneath the disagreement can help us recognize why certain conversations become so difficult.

Sometimes we aren't only reacting to what's being said. We're also responding to what the interaction means to us.

How Couples Get Caught in Familiar Conflict Cycles

When couples experience recurring arguments, it's easy to focus on what the other person keeps doing with thoughts like:

• “They never listen to me.”

• “They always get defensive.”

• “They shut down whenever I bring something up.”

• “They won't leave me alone when I need space.”

These frustrations may reflect real experiences. But when we're caught in a familiar cycle, we can become so focused on the other person's response that we have difficulty recognizing what keeps happening between us.

For example, one partner may feel disconnected and want to talk through an issue immediately. The more disconnected they feel, the more they pursue the conversation, ask questions, or seek reassurance.

The other partner may experience that intensity as overwhelming. They become quieter, pull away, or ask to stop talking.

But that withdrawal can make the first person feel even more disconnected, so they try harder to engage. The increased pressure may then make the second person withdraw further.

Eventually, both people can feel misunderstood, frustrated, and alone in the conversation.

One person might think, “Why won't you talk to me?” while the other is thinking, “Why can't you give me a moment to breathe?”

Both may be trying to manage something uncomfortable, but their responses can unintentionally intensify the very experience they're trying to avoid.

This is one reason I find it helpful to explore relationship patterns rather than focusing exclusively on individual reactions.

Instead of only asking, “Why does my partner keep doing this?” we can also ask, “What tends to happen between us when we both start feeling disconnected, overwhelmed, or misunderstood?”

That shift can create space for understanding without removing the importance of individual responsibility.

Understanding the Need Underneath the Reaction

One of the things I encourage people to get curious about is the difference between what we're doing in a conversation and what we might actually be needing. Sometimes those two things don't look very similar.

Someone who wants reassurance may become frustrated or repeatedly ask questions. Someone who wants to feel understood may begin defending themselves before they've fully heard their partner. Someone who needs a moment to regulate may become quiet or distant without explaining why.

The response might make sense when we understand what's happening internally, but that doesn't always mean it's helping us get what we need.

For example, imagine that you're feeling disconnected from your partner because you've both been busy. You want more quality time together, but instead of communicating that directly, you say, “You never make time for me anymore.”

Your partner hears criticism and responds by listing everything they've been doing for the relationship.

Now you're arguing about who does more, even though the original need was connection.

A different response might sound like, “I've been missing spending time with you lately, and I think I've been feeling disconnected. Can we make some time for each other this week?”

That doesn't guarantee your partner will respond exactly how you hope. But it gives them a clearer opportunity to understand what you're experiencing.

Sometimes a meaningful shift in communication begins when we can recognize the feeling underneath our reaction and practice putting words to it.

Making Room for Two Different Experiences

Something that can make relationships challenging is that two people can experience the same interaction very differently.

One partner may experience a request for space as rejection, while the other experiences that same space as necessary to feel calm enough to communicate.

One person may view asking questions as an attempt to connect, while the other experiences those questions as pressure.

And sometimes both people become so focused on explaining their own experience that neither feels heard.

Making room for your partner's perspective doesn't require agreeing with everything they say. It also doesn't mean setting aside your own needs or pretending something didn't hurt.

It means recognizing that understanding and agreement aren't always the same thing.

You might say, “That wasn't my intention, but I want to understand why it felt that way to you.”

Or, “I understand that you need space when you're overwhelmed. I also need to know that we're going to come back to the conversation.”

These responses allow both experiences to exist without immediately deciding that one person's feelings cancel out the other's.

Of course, this kind of shared exploration assumes a relationship where both people can participate safely and take responsibility for their behavior. When intimidation, coercion, or abuse is present, the priority is safety and accountability rather than treating the situation as an equally shared communication cycle.

In relationships where collaborative communication is appropriate, learning to make room for different experiences can create opportunities for more meaningful conversations.

Changing the Pattern Doesn't Require Perfect Communication

When couples recognize a recurring conflict cycle, they may begin putting pressure on themselves to never fall into it again.

But understanding a pattern doesn't mean it immediately disappears.

You might still feel defensive when your partner brings up a concern. You might still experience the urge to withdraw when a conversation becomes overwhelming. You might still want reassurance before your partner is ready to talk.

The goal isn't necessarily to eliminate those feelings, but instead sometimes it's learning how to recognize what's happening and practice a different response while those feelings are present.

Maybe instead of immediately defending yourself, you pause and ask, “Can you help me understand what felt hurtful about that?”

Maybe instead of continuing to push for an answer, you communicate, “I'm feeling anxious about leaving this unresolved. Can we agree on when we'll come back to it?”

Or maybe instead of shutting down without explanation, you say, “I'm feeling overwhelmed and need a break, but I do want to work through this with you.”

These are small adjustments, but they can begin changing the direction of a conversation.

They also reflect something we often explore through an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)-informed approach: we can experience difficult emotions while practicing responses that reflect our values.

If connection matters to you, what might it look like to communicate from that place rather than only reacting to the discomfort you're experiencing?

If respect matters to you, how might you practice expressing frustration while still being mindful of how you're communicating?

And if understanding matters, what might it look like to become curious before immediately preparing your response?

These questions aren't about expecting yourself or your partner to communicate perfectly. Think about them as creating more opportunities to respond intentionally.

Repair Can Become Part of the New Pattern

Sometimes we think healthy communication means preventing every disagreement from becoming difficult.

But conflict is a normal part of relationships, and even couples who communicate well can experience misunderstandings, frustration, and moments when they don't show up the way they intended.

What happens afterward can matter, too.

Maybe you recognize that you became defensive and return to the conversation by saying, “I was so focused on explaining myself that I don't think I really listened to what you were saying.”

Maybe you realize that you withdrew without communicating and say, “I needed some space, but I understand that leaving without explaining probably felt confusing. I want to try handling that differently.”

Or maybe you acknowledge that your frustration came out as criticism when what you really needed was support.

Repair doesn't mean skipping accountability or expecting an apology to immediately resolve the impact of someone's behavior. It involves acknowledging what happened and taking meaningful steps toward responding differently.

Over time, the ability to recognize a difficult interaction, take responsibility, and return to the conversation can become part of a healthier relationship pattern.

Sometimes progress isn't, “We never have that argument anymore.”

Sometimes it's, “We're learning to recognize what happens between us, and we're practicing how to reconnect differently.”

Your Next One Percent: Notice What Keeps Happening Between You

If you and your partner have been experiencing recurring arguments, you don't have to begin by trying to solve every disagreement at once. Instead, consider getting curious about one familiar interaction.

What tends to start the conversation? What happens when one person becomes frustrated or overwhelmed? What does each person seem to need in those moments? And what usually happens next?

You might discover that underneath the frustration is a desire to feel supported, understood, respected, or connected. From there, consider one small response you might want to practice differently.

Maybe it's communicating a need before frustration builds. Maybe it's listening long enough to understand your partner's experience before responding. Maybe it's taking a break with a clear plan to return, or making space for repair after a difficult conversation.

Realistically, we can’t eliminate every disagreement or become a couple that never struggles, however we can create more opportunities to understand yourselves, recognize the patterns that keep showing up, and practice responses that reflect the kind of relationship you want to build.

Because sometimes meaningful change in a relationship begins with a different question.

Instead of only asking, “Why do we keep having the same argument?”

We can begin asking:

“What keeps happening between us, and how do we want to respond differently?”

Small Steps. Meaningful Change.

Making Room for Yourself: Weekly Relationship Reflection

Whether you're reflecting individually or with your partner, consider these questions:

1. What disagreement or communication pattern seems to keep showing up in our relationship?

2. What emotions or needs might be underneath my usual response?

3. How do I tend to respond when I feel criticized, disconnected, overwhelmed, or misunderstood?

4. What might my partner be experiencing differently from me?

5. What's one small response I would like to practice the next time this pattern shows up?

These reflections aren't about determining who is right or wrong. They're an opportunity to better understand your experience and consider how you want to show up in your relationship.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do couples keep having the same arguments?

Couples may repeat familiar arguments because the interaction between partners follows a recurring pattern, even when the topic changes. One person's response can influence the other's, creating a cycle of frustration, defensiveness, withdrawal, or disconnection. Recognizing the cycle can help partners understand what happens during conflict and consider different ways of responding.

What if my partner and I have different communication styles?

Different communication preferences don't automatically mean a relationship is unhealthy or incompatible. One partner may need time to process, while the other prefers to talk through an issue immediately. Understanding those differences and developing agreements about how to communicate, take breaks, and return to conversations can be helpful.

Is it normal for couples to argue about the same things?

Recurring disagreements are common in relationships, particularly around responsibilities, communication, time, finances, and emotional needs. What matters is not only whether a disagreement happens again, but how partners approach it, whether concerns are addressed, and whether both people can communicate safely and respectfully.

Can couples therapy help with recurring arguments?

Couples therapy can provide space to explore recurring conflict cycles, understand the emotions and needs that may be influencing interactions, and practice different ways of communicating. It can also help partners develop greater awareness of how their responses affect one another and explore opportunities for connection, accountability, and repair.

Exploring Couples Therapy in Henderson, Nevada

If you and your partner find yourselves having familiar disagreements or struggling to feel understood during difficult conversations, couples therapy can offer space to explore what's happening between you.

At One Percent Counseling, I offer couples and premarital therapy in Henderson, Nevada. My approach emphasizes understanding relationship patterns, making room for each person's experiences, and practicing meaningful changes through small, intentional steps.

You don't have to have every conversation figured out before seeking support.

Explore Couples Therapy | Learn About Premarital Therapy | Schedule a Consultation

This article is intended for educational purposes and is not a substitute for individualized mental health care or relationship safety assessment.

Therapy for Overwhelm in Henderson and Throughout Nevada

Therapy can offer space to explore what you are carrying, the expectations shaping your choices, and the support that may help. At One Percent Counseling, I work with adults to build self-awareness, explore flexible supports, and practice small actions guided by what matters to them.

Learn more about individual therapy through the Services menu, or schedule a consultation to explore whether working together might be a good fit. In-person sessions are available in Henderson, with online individual therapy available throughout Nevada.

Small Steps. Meaningful Change.

Disclaimer

This blog is for educational and reflective purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, medical care, or individualized mental health treatment.

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About The Author

Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.

Disagreeing without Disconnecting

By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern

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Disagreement Fatigue

There can be moments in arguments that feel familiar, and in the same sense you might feel everything shift. Conversations can quickly turn into layers of tension that is often cooccurring with signs of defensiveness, tone changes, and overall fatigue from the cycle starting again.

Suddenly, it can feel like you are two partners who are not on the same team anymore and the disagreement turns into disconnection. That is the part that can sting the most. Naturally in life, stress will come and disagreements are bound to happen. It’s not necessarily about if or when you will disagree (again it is a natural part of existence) its about how you disagree.

The Quicksand of Disconnection

Disconnection isn’t always a random act, but it can happen when our protective factors step in. When something feels threatening (like criticism, rejection, not being understood), your nervous system might react through:

• you defending

• you shutting down

• you getting louder

• or you emotionally pulling away.

Then you find yourself getting stuck in quicksand disconnection. This doesn’t mean you don’t care, but these protective signals might contribute to the distance you’re afraid of.

How do you argue?

I want to be clear that arguments are naturally going to occur and even the healthiest couples do disagree. The goal isn’t to just completely avoid conflict, but more to stay connected inside of it. Connection can be the bridge to make repair possible.

What it can look like to disagree without disconnecting:

• Pausing more

• Staying curious instead of assuming

• naming your feelings instead of attacking

• letting the conversation slow down

These small intentional changes can lead to creating space for staying connected and seeking to understand during hard conversations.

4 Ways to stay Connected during Conflict

1. Slow down the moment: When things escalate, speed increases.

   example: “I want to talk about this, but I can feel myself getting overwhelmed. Can we slow this down?”

   Slowing down creates space to still feel connection.

2. Share what is happening underneath: Most arguments aren’t about the surface issue.

   example: instead of “you never help around the house”

   try: “I think I have been feeling overwhelmed and unsupported.”

   This shifts the conversation from blame to vulnerability.

3. Stay on the same team: Conflict can quickly turn into “me vs. you”.

   example: “it feels like we are getting off track. i want to figure this out together”.

   This reinforces connection, even in disagreement.

4. Take breaks without abandoning: sometimes space is needed but how you take it matters.

   Instead of shutting down or walking away without explanation:

   “i need a little time to calm down, but i want to come back to this.”

   Distance without reassurance can feel like rejection and distance with intention can build emotional safety.

You wont get it perfect, and that is okay! You might still say things that you didn’t mean, get triggered, or miss each other in conversations. We are all human. What matters most isn’t avoiding mistakes, but its being able to come back, repair, and connect again.

Final Thoughts

Disagreements don’t always have to mean complete disconnection. You can feel frustrated, hurt, or misunderstood and still choose to stay emotionally present. Over time, those small intentional moments (pausing, softening, coming back), are what build trust, safety and a deeper connection. Conflict may not disappear completely, but you can learn how to move through it together.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.

Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.

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About The Author

Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.

Love Is There…But It Can Still Feel Like Tug of War

By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern

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Love Can Also Feel Hard

Sometimes there are external expectations or even a quiet kind of confusion that can show up in relationships that looklike they should be working. A lot of times, you do love each other and you care deeply. Maybe you keep trying different ways of connecting and yet…it still feels a bit hard.

The hardest part can sometimes be communication, feeling close in the ways you want to and even feeling understood. A natural thought may even cross your mind from time to time of “why does this feel a bit difficult if we love each other?”

Love Doesn’t Automatically Mean Ease

We are often taught in culture or society that love should feel natural, effortless, or intuitive. However, love and relating are two very different things. Love is a feeling to definitely be highlighted and enjoyed, but relationships are also a system.

Relationship systems are often shaped by:

• Past experiences and previous relationships

• Attachment patterns

• Communication styles

• Emotional safety (or lack of it)

So in a lot of ways, there is a lot of room to absolutely love someone and still struggle to feel connected or understood by them. You are two different individuals and internal beings trying to find a common middle.

Why It Might Still Feel Hard

When love is there but things feel a little bit difficult sometimes its not about how much you love each other, but more about how you experience each other in hard moments. From a Narrative lens, your perspective of the “problem” could be that it is in between your relationship versus the “problem” being externalized from your relationship. In other words, it’s you and your partner versus the problem and you are both facing it together. Not the problem in the middle of you and your partner.

There are often a few common patterns:

1. You could be triggering each other without realizing it: what feels like “overreacting” is often a nervous system response where one person feels rejected (and becomes critical) and the other feels attacked (and withdraws). Neither is trying to hurt the other…but both of you feel hurt.

2. You’re both speaking different emotional languages: you both might be expressing a form of care, but in ways the other doesn’t recognize. One might want reassurance through words while the other shows love through actions. Then, it can feel like the love is missing even when it’s present in some form.

3. You’re protecting instead of connecting: when things feel tense, our instincts are to protect ourselves from discomfort or conflict. In most cases, this cycle of protection (defend, attack, withdraw like we discussed before) creates distance.

4. The relationship feels heavy instead of safe: love thrives in emotional safety. If the relationship starts to feel like a repetitive argument or walking on eggshells, even strong love can feel exhausting.

This Doesn’t Mean The Worst

If it feels hard, it doesn’t automatically mean that you’re with the wrong person or that the relationship is failing or that love isn’t enough. Sometimes it means that you haven’t learned how to navigate each other’s emotional worlds yet. I am a believer that you don’t have to rely on a huge overnight “fix”. Meaningful change is through the “trial and error” and the small one percent shifts.

Slow the moment down to create awareness and instead of reacting quickly, try:

• “why am i feeling this way”

• “what might my partner be feeling”

Get curious instead of defensive:

• instead of “why are you doing this” try “help me understand what is coming up for you”

Name the cycle and not the person (turning you into a team vs. the problem):

• shift from “you always shut down” to “we keep getting stuck in this patter where i push and you pull away”.

Emotional safety is built when people feel heard and understood, not judged. Sometimes the most powerful shifts can be as simple as “i see why you would feel that way”.

Final Thoughts

Love is important, but sometimes it isn’t the only thing that makes a relationship feel good. Most relationships (even non romantic) require a level of understanding, emotional attunement, repair, and intention.

If that feels hard right now, it doesn’t erase the love that is already there. Sometimes it just means there is something in the way you are connecting that needs more attention.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.

Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.

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About The Author

Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.

You’re Not Just Fighting About the Dishes.

By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern

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Is it Dishes or Disappointment?

If you read last week’s blog, you might already be familiar with how easy it is for couples to get stuck in the same argument loop. Even when it’s a different day with a different topic, the same exact feeling can still exist in our brains or bodies.

This week, we are going to slow that down even further because most of the time you’re not just actually fighting about the dishes.

The Surface Argument

Common arguments might sound like:

• “Why do I always have to ask you for help?”

• “You said you’d do it and you didn’t.”

• “Its just dishes, its not that big of a deal.”

Somewhere along the way, these surface arguments escalate and you might notice that the tone starts changing, defensiveness starts kicking in, and someone might start shutting down. Then all of a sudden, you’re not even talking about the dishes anymore…you’re talking about almost everything.

What is Actually Happening Underneath?

Arguments like this start leaning away from the task itself, but start to mold into what the task might represent in the relationship.

The dishes might mean:

• “I don’t feel supported.”

• “I feel like I am carrying everything alone.”

• “I don’t feel important to you.”

• “I feel like I have to manage everything for us.”

And on the other side it might feel like:

• “Nothing I do is enough.”

• “I’m constantly being criticized.”

• “I can’t get it right.”

• “I feel controlled or micromanaged.”

So instead of one person asking for help and the other responding, now you have one person expressing hurt (through frustration) and the other hearing failure (and reacting defensively).

Different Topic, Same Fight 

This is where it connects to last week’s conflict cycle:

• One partner pushes (often through criticism or frustration)

• The other defends or shuts down

• The first partner feels even more alone and pushes harder

• The second partner withdraws more

Whatever the initial context or task was suddenly moves to the background, because now it’s shifting to feeling overall disconnected.

The Emotional Experience (what it might feel like inside)

Underneath the words tone, and the constant back and forth, there is also a physiological experience that might be happening. This experience can happen fast and instead of expressing hurt, fear, or a need of support it comes out as something more frustrating or defensive. Not even because you don’t care, but sometimes the emotions are harder to say out loud.

For one partner it might include:

• a tightness in your chest when you realize you’re the one bringing things up

• a sense of exhaustion from carrying the same responsibility

• a thought that sounds like “I don’t think i matter as much as i want to.”

For the other partner it might feel like:

• a sinking in your stomach when the conversation starts

• a rush of pressure to “fix it” or get things right

• a thought that might sound like “I’m already failing before i even try.”

Why This Part Matters 

When we miss the emotional experience, we stay stuck at the surface. We try to solve the problem (“just do the dishes” or “communicate better”) without understanding what the moment actually means to each person.

Intentional and gradual recognition can help shift the conversation:

• “this isn’t just frustration, I’m actually feeling alone.”

• “this isn’t just criticism, I’m feeling like I’m not enough”.

Small shifts can allow for reactions to slow down just enough to allow the conversation to soften and make more room for a meaningful connection. This part doesn’t necessarily feel “easy” or “calming”. A lot of the time our instinct is to jump to the solution so we don’t have to face uncomfortable emotions or needs.

Simple Reframe

The goal isn’t to perfectly communicate every feeling. But even a small shift can change the direction of the conversation and future outcomes.

Instead of: “You never help me.”

Try: : “I think I’m feeling overwhelmed and I could really use support right now.”

Instead of: “Why are you making this such a big deal?”

Try: “I feel like I’m getting it wrong, can you help me understand what you need?”

These might not be perfect in every situation, but they can help you shift from blame to understanding and from defense to connection.

Next time an argument starts, pause and ask yourself: “What is this really about for me?”

Is it:

• Feeling unseen?

• feeling unappreciated?

• feeling like you’re doing things alone?

That question alone can be the one percent shift and what it takes to interrupt the conflict cycle.

Final Thoughts

The dishes aren’t always the problem. Even the argument itself is not always the problem. What is bubbling up underneath could potentially be disconnection and a yearning for a certain need wanting to be met or a certain emotion needing to be named.

Once you start taking one pause to understand what is actually being communicated or expressed, you can begin to respond to each other differently and seek to understand vs seeking to respond. Maybe not perfectly or even all at once, but just one percent at time.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.

Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.

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About The Author

Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.

Why Every Argument Feels The Same

By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern

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Conflict Cycles

Have you ever walked away from an argument thinking, “How did we end up here…again?” It could be a different topic with different words, but it all leads to the same outcome, the same feelings, and sadly the same disconnection. 

This can feel confusing in any relationship, especially when the underlying truth is that both people genuinely care about each other. 

But here is some perspective: most couples aren’t arguing about what they think they are arguing about. They’re just caught in a pattern that shows itself in so many different communications.

The Real Problem: The Cycle, Not the Topic

On the surface, arguments might look like they are about:

• Who didnt help enough 

• Tone of voice

• Time spent together

• Texts not being answered 

But underneath that context is often something a bit deeper such as:

• Feeling unappreciated 

• Feeling unseen

• Feeling disconnected

• Feeling like you don’t matter in that moment 

When those feelings get triggered, most couples tend to fall into a predictable cycle that repeats itself over and over.

Most Common Conflict Cycle: Defend - Attack - Withdraw

Let’s breakdown some of the most common patterns that show up in relationships (that I have also seen in practice): 

Defend

This often starts when one partner feels criticized or blamed, even if that wasn’t the intention. So they might respond by:

• Explaining themselves 

• Justifying their actions

• Saying “thats now what i meant” or “you misunderstood me”.

What could be underneath: “I don’t want to be seen as the bad one”. 

Attack

One partner now feels dismissed or not heard so they might choose to escalate by:

• Raising their voice 

• Bringing up past issues 

• Using statements like “you always…” or “you never…”

What could be underneath: "I need you to understand how much this hurts.” 

Withdraw

At some point or another, one partner shuts down which might look like:

• Going quiet

• Walking away

• Emotionally checking out 

What could be underneath: “This is too much. I don’t feel safe here.”

And from there on, the cycle continues to reset and nothing actually gets resolved. Both partners leave feeling misunderstood, frustrated, and even more disconnected. 

Why This Cycle Feels So Stuck 

Because each part of this response cycle triggers the next one, defensiveness starts to feel like dismissal that leads to attack. Attack feels overwhelming and leads to withdrawal. Withdraw feels like abandonment and leads back to attack or even criticism.

This pattern becomes less about the original issue and more about reacting to each other’s reactions and over time couples start to automatically anticipate this cycle or a “here we go again” response. 

One Percent Shift Awareness Before Change

Before trying to fix communication, solve the problem, or “say the right thing” you can try to start by noticing the cycle:

• Where do you typically land? Defend, attack, or withdraw?

• What do you feel right before you react?

• What are you actually needing in that moment?

Awareness is the first one percent shift where you can name the pattern you create just enough to create space to respond even slightly different. 

You don’t have to completely change how you communicate overnight. Some small changes or focuses can include:

• If you tend to defend: try pausing before explaining and stay “I want to understand what you’re feeling first”.

• If you tend to attack: try softening the start: “I feel hurt when…” instead of “you always…”

• If you tend to withdraw: try staying just a little longer and saying “Im overwhelmed, but I don’t want to shut down.” 

These aren’t perfect response or “the right answer”, but they don’t have to be. They are interruptions to the cycle in order to facilitate small change.

Final Thoughts

If your arguments feel repetitive, it doesn’t mean that your relationship is broken, but most likely that there is a pattern that hasn’t been totally named yet. Arguments will come naturally and the goal isn’t to completely eliminate them, but to better understand what’s happening within the argument. 

When you can see the cycle clearly, you can stop turning against each other and start turning toward the problem together. Those small shifts can add up to more understanding, more emotional safety, and more connection one percent at a time.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.

Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.

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About The Author

Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.