You’re Not Just Fighting About the Dishes.
By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern
Is it Dishes or Disappointment?
If you read last week’s blog, you might already be familiar with how easy it is for couples to get stuck in the same argument loop. Even when it’s a different day with a different topic, the same exact feeling can still exist in our brains or bodies.
This week, we are going to slow that down even further because most of the time you’re not just actually fighting about the dishes.
The Surface Argument
Common arguments might sound like:
“Why do I always have to ask you for help?”
“You said you’d do it and you didn’t.”
“Its just dishes, its not that big of a deal.”
Somewhere along the way, these surface arguments escalate and you might notice that the tone starts changing, defensiveness starts kicking in, and someone might start shutting down. Then all of a sudden, you’re not even talking about the dishes anymore…you’re talking about almost everything.
What is Actually Happening Underneath?
Arguments like this start leaning away from the task itself, but start to mold into what the task might represent in the relationship.
The dishes might mean:
“I don’t feel supported.”
“I feel like I am carrying everything alone.”
“I don’t feel important to you.”
“I feel like I have to manage everything for us.”
And on the other side it might feel like:
“Nothing I do is enough.”
“I’m constantly being criticized.”
“I can’t get it right.”
“I feel controlled or micromanaged.”
So instead of one person asking for help and the other responding, now you have one person expressing hurt (through frustration) and the other hearing failure (and reacting defensively).
Different Topic, Same Fight
This is where it connects to last week’s conflict cycle:
One partner pushes (often through criticism or frustration)
The other defends or shuts down
The first partner feels even more alone and pushes harder
The second partner withdraws more
Whatever the initial context or task was suddenly moves to the background, because now it’s shifting to feeling overall disconnected.
The Emotional Experience (what it might feel like inside)
Underneath the words tone, and the constant back and forth, there is also a physiological experience that might be happening. This experience can happen fast and instead of expressing hurt, fear, or a need of support it comes out as something more frustrating or defensive. Not even because you don’t care, but sometimes the emotions are harder to say out loud.
For one partner it might include:
a tightness in your chest when you realize you’re the one bringing things up
a sense of exhaustion from carrying the same responsibility
a thought that sounds like “I don’t think i matter as much as i want to.”
For the other partner it might feel like:
a sinking in your stomach when the conversation starts
a rush of pressure to “fix it” or get things right
a thought that might sound like “I’m already failing before i even try.”
Why This Part Matters
When we miss the emotional experience, we stay stuck at the surface. We try to solve the problem (“just do the dishes” or “communicate better”) without understanding what the moment actually means to each person.
Intentional and gradual recognition can help shift the conversation:
“this isn’t just frustration, I’m actually feeling alone.”
“this isn’t just criticism, I’m feeling like I’m not enough”.
Small shifts can allow for reactions to slow down just enough to allow the conversation to soften and make more room for a meaningful connection. This part doesn’t necessarily feel “easy” or “calming”. A lot of the time our instinct is to jump to the solution so we don’t have to face uncomfortable emotions or needs.
Simple Reframe
The goal isn’t to perfectly communicate every feeling. But even a small shift can change the direction of the conversation and future outcomes.
Instead of: “You never help me.”
Try: : “I think I’m feeling overwhelmed and I could really use support right now.”
Instead of: “Why are you making this such a big deal?”
Try: “I feel like I’m getting it wrong, can you help me understand what you need?”
These might not be perfect in every situation, but they can help you shift from blame to understanding and from defense to connection.
Next time an argument starts, pause and ask yourself: “What is this really about for me?”
Is it:
Feeling unseen?
feeling unappreciated?
feeling like you’re doing things alone?
That question alone can be the one percent shift and what it takes to interrupt the conflict cycle.
Final Thoughts
The dishes aren’t always the problem. Even the argument itself is not always the problem. What is bubbling up underneath could potentially be disconnection and a yearning for a certain need wanting to be met or a certain emotion needing to be named.
Once you start taking one pause to understand what is actually being communicated or expressed, you can begin to respond to each other differently and seek to understand vs seeking to respond. Maybe not perfectly or even all at once, but just one percent at time.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.
Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.
About The Author
Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.