Building New Patterns: How Small Changes Can Shape the Way We Show Up
By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern
Building New Patterns: How Small Changes Can Shape the Way We Show Up
Throughout September, we’ve spent time talking about patterns.
We started by noticing them. We explored why we can continue repeating familiar patterns even when we understand them. Then we looked at what it can mean to pause and practice a different response when the familiar one shows up.
For the final week of our Patterns, Not Problems series, I want to focus on what comes next because changing patterns isn’t just only about the things we don’t want to be or do. Facilitating behavioral change can also be about intentionally building more of what we do want.
Maybe that means:
communicating more openly
pausing before automatically saying yes
allowing yourself to experience uncertainty without immediately looking for reassurance
returning to a difficult conversation instead of avoiding it
asking for what you need
making space for your partner’s experience without immediately preparing your defense.
These moments can seem small, but new patterns often begin in exactly these kinds of situations.
The Old Pattern Doesn't Have to Disappear First
When we decide we want to change something, it can be easy to assume that progress means the old pattern should stop happening. So when you catch yourself overthinking again, people-pleasing again, becoming defensive again, or getting pulled into the same disagreement with your partner, it can feel like you're right back where you started.
It’s important to note (and come to accept) change isn't always that clean.
Sometimes the old response and the new response exist alongside each other for a while. You might still feel the urge to say yes because disappointing someone feels uncomfortable, while also learning to give yourself more time before answering. You might still overthink when you don't know how something will turn out, while becoming better at recognizing when your mind is searching for certainty that isn't available. You and your partner might still get pulled into the same conflict cycle, while beginning to recognize what's happening a little sooner.
The fact that the familiar response still shows up doesn't mean the work you're doing isn't meaningful. Sometimes progress is realizing, “I know where this usually goes, and I want to try something a little different this time.”
That's an important shift because it gives us more than one option. Instead of automatically following the familiar pattern, we begin creating a little more space between what we're experiencing and what we do next.
Practicing Something Different Might Feel Uncomfortable
One thing we don't always talk about when it comes to personal growth is that a different response doesn't necessarily feel better right away.
If you're used to people-pleasing, setting a boundary might feel uncomfortable. If you're accustomed to keeping your needs to yourself, asking for something may feel vulnerable. If you've learned to withdraw when conversations become difficult, staying present long enough to communicate that you need a break might feel unfamiliar. Even receiving a compliment without immediately minimizing it can feel awkward when you're used to dismissing positive attention.
Sometimes we interpret that discomfort as a sign that we're doing something wrong. But something feeling unfamiliar and something being wrong aren't necessarily the same thing.
This is where I like bringing values into the conversation. Instead of only asking, “Does this feel comfortable?” we can also ask, “Does this reflect how I want to show up?”
If honesty matters to you, maybe the small shift is communicating something you've been keeping to yourself. If connection matters, maybe it's allowing yourself to be a little more vulnerable even though there's no guarantee of how someone will respond. If taking care of yourself matters, maybe it's tolerating the discomfort of saying no when you don't have the capacity to say yes.
This doesn't mean pushing through every uncomfortable feeling or ignoring your boundaries. Sometimes the response that reflects your values is taking space, resting, saying no, or deciding something isn't right for you. The idea is simply to create enough room to notice the difference between choosing something intentionally and automatically following a familiar response.
Building New Patterns in Our Relationships
Patterns become especially interesting in relationships because we're rarely responding in isolation. One person's reaction can influence the other's, which influences the first person again, and before long both people can find themselves in a familiar cycle.
For example, one partner might feel disconnected and want to resolve an issue immediately. They ask more questions, push for the conversation, or look for reassurance that the relationship is okay. The other person starts feeling overwhelmed by the intensity of the conversation and pulls away. That distance makes the first person feel even more disconnected, so they try harder to engage. The increased pressure makes the other person want even more space.
Eventually, both people may walk away believing the other person caused the problem.
Changing that pattern doesn't require both people to suddenly become perfect communicators. Sometimes a different pattern begins with one person recognizing what's happening and putting words to it.
Maybe instead of continuing to push, someone says, “I'm realizing I'm trying really hard to get an answer because I'm feeling disconnected from you.”
Maybe instead of completely shutting down, the other person says, “I'm getting overwhelmed and I need some space, but I don't want to leave this unresolved. Can we come back to it tonight?”
Neither response guarantees that the conversation suddenly becomes easy. What they can do is create a different experience than the one the couple usually has.
And sometimes the new pattern happens after the conflict. Healthy communication doesn't mean never becoming defensive, frustrated, triggered, or misunderstood. Repair matters too. Coming back and saying, “I don't think I communicated that the way I wanted to,” or “I was so focused on explaining myself that I wasn't really listening to you,” can become part of a healthier pattern.
Progress in a relationship doesn't always mean, “We don't have that argument anymore.” Sometimes it's, “We're starting to recognize what happens between us, and we're learning how to come back to each other differently.”
Sometimes the New Pattern Is Just Between You and You
Of course, not every pattern involves another person.
Maybe the new pattern you're building is checking in with yourself before agreeing to something. Maybe it's allowing yourself to make a decision without asking five other people what they think first. Maybe it's noticing an anxious thought without spending the next hour trying to solve it. Maybe it's doing something meaningful while self-doubt is still present.
It could even be resting before you're completely exhausted, communicating a boundary without writing a paragraph explaining why you're allowed to have one, or recognizing that you're overthinking and gently returning your attention to what's actually happening right now.
None of those things sound particularly dramatic. That's kind of the point.
We often imagine change as becoming a completely different version of ourselves, when much of the work can happen in these smaller moments. A different pause. A different sentence. A different choice. A slightly different way of responding to the same feeling.
When we practice those responses repeatedly, they can begin to become more familiar too.
You Don't Have to Become a Different Person
If there's one thing I hope you carry with you from Patterns, Not Problems, it's that recognizing something you want to change doesn't have to begin with believing there's something wrong with you.
Our patterns can give us information. They can show us what feels uncomfortable, what we may be trying to protect ourselves from, what we learned about relationships, how we respond when we don't know what's going to happen, or what happens inside of us when we feel overwhelmed or disconnected.
Understanding that information doesn't mean every pattern needs to stay. It simply gives us somewhere more compassionate and useful to begin.
We can start asking, “Does this still support me?” and “How would I like to respond instead?”
And we don't have to answer those questions by completely reinventing ourselves. Sometimes we're simply building more options: more opportunities to pause, more honest conversations, more willingness to communicate a need, more boundaries, more flexibility, or more room to choose an action that reflects what matters to us.
That brings us back to the One Percent mindset.
Instead of asking yourself, “How do I completely change this pattern?” consider asking:
“What's one response I'd like to practice more often?”
Maybe you won't do it every time. Maybe you'll recognize the old pattern after it already happened. Maybe you'll try something different and it will still feel uncomfortable.
That's okay. You still learned something.
Meaningful change doesn't always begin when an old pattern finally disappears. Sometimes it begins when the pattern shows up and you realize:
I have another option.
And then, one percent at a time, you practice choosing it.
Small Steps. Meaningful Change.
Patterns, Not Problems: Final Reflection
As we close the series, take a moment to reflect:
What pattern have I become more aware of this month?
When does it tend to show up?
What might this pattern help me manage, avoid, or protect myself from?
How would I like to respond when it shows up?
What's one small response I want to continue practicing?
Interested in exploring your own patterns?
Therapy can provide space to understand the patterns that keep showing up and practice responses that reflect your needs, relationships, and values.
At One Percent Counseling, I offer individual, couples, and premarital therapy in Henderson, Nevada, with telehealth services available throughout Nevada.
Explore individual therapy, learn more about couples therapy, or schedule a consultation to see whether working together might be a good fit.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I keep falling back into old patterns?
Familiar responses can still show up even when you're actively working on changing them. Rather than measuring progress only by whether a pattern disappears, you might also notice whether you're recognizing it sooner, understanding what's happening differently, or creating more opportunities to choose another response.
Why does changing a pattern feel uncomfortable?
A new response can feel unfamiliar, especially if you've relied on another way of responding for a long time. Setting a boundary may feel uncomfortable if you're accustomed to people-pleasing, for example. Discomfort doesn't automatically tell us whether a choice is right or wrong. It can be helpful to consider whether the response reflects your needs, boundaries, and the way you want to show up.
How can couples change repeating communication patterns?
One place to start is noticing what tends to happen between you during moments of conflict or disconnection. Rather than focusing only on the topic of the argument, couples can become curious about the cycle underneath it—what each person experiences, how they respond, and how those responses influence one another. Couples therapy can also provide space to explore these cycles and practice different ways of communicating and reconnecting.
Can therapy help if I already understand my patterns?
Understanding why you do something can be valuable, but therapy doesn't have to stop at awareness. Therapy can also be a space to notice how patterns show up in your life now, explore what keeps them going, clarify how you'd like to respond, and practice what comes next.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
Therapy can offer space to understand the patterns that keep showing up and practice new ways of responding to yourself and others. One Percent Counseling offers individual, couples, and premarital therapy in Henderson, Nevada, with virtual individual therapy available throughout Nevada.
Learn more about Individual Therapy | Explore Couples Therapy | Schedule a Consultation
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Small Steps. Meaningful Change.
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Disclaimer
This blog is for educational and reflective purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, medical care, or individualized mental health treatment.
About The Author
Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.