Why Do We Keep Having the Same Argument? Understanding Couples' Conflict Patterns

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Why Do We Keep Having the Same Argument? Understanding Couples' Conflict Patterns

By Maraya Pena · October 20, 2026

Have you ever finished an argument with your partner and thought, “How did we end up here again?”

Maybe the conversation started with something relatively small. The dishes weren't done, someone forgot to communicate a change in plans, or one person felt like they weren't getting enough quality time together. But somehow, what started as a conversation about one issue turned into something much bigger.

Before you know it, one person is feeling criticized, the other feels unheard, and you're both having a conversation that feels strangely familiar.

Sometimes the topics change, but the way we respond to each other stays the same.

Throughout October, our Making Room for Yourself series has focused on understanding our experiences, recognizing our needs, and exploring what support can look like in everyday life. This week, I want to bring that conversation into our relationships.

Making room for yourself doesn't have to mean creating distance from your partner. Sometimes it means understanding your own emotional experiences well enough to communicate them, while also making space to understand someone else's.

And sometimes that begins with getting curious about the patterns that keep showing up between you.

Sometimes the Argument Isn't Just About the Argument

Let's imagine a couple who regularly disagrees about household responsibilities.

One partner comes home after a long day and notices that the dishes are still sitting in the sink. They feel frustrated and say, “I asked you to take care of this earlier. Why do I always have to remind you?”

The other partner immediately feels criticized and responds, “I said I would do it. Why does everything have to turn into an argument?”

Now the first partner feels dismissed. They begin explaining all the other times they've felt like responsibilities haven't been shared equally. The second partner feels increasingly defensive and eventually shuts down or walks away from the conversation.

What started as a disagreement about dishes has become a much larger conversation about feeling supported, appreciated, understood, or criticized.

And while the dishes still matter, there may also be something happening underneath the surface.

For one partner, the experience might be, “Can I depend on you? Do you recognize how much I'm carrying?”

For the other, it might be, “Am I constantly disappointing you? Does anything I do feel good enough?”

Neither of those experiences automatically tells us who is right or wrong about the original responsibility. The practical issue still deserves attention and accountability.

But understanding the emotional experiences underneath the disagreement can help us recognize why certain conversations become so difficult.

Sometimes we aren't only reacting to what's being said. We're also responding to what the interaction means to us.

How Couples Get Caught in Familiar Conflict Cycles

When couples experience recurring arguments, it's easy to focus on what the other person keeps doing with thoughts like:

• “They never listen to me.”

• “They always get defensive.”

• “They shut down whenever I bring something up.”

• “They won't leave me alone when I need space.”

These frustrations may reflect real experiences. But when we're caught in a familiar cycle, we can become so focused on the other person's response that we have difficulty recognizing what keeps happening between us.

For example, one partner may feel disconnected and want to talk through an issue immediately. The more disconnected they feel, the more they pursue the conversation, ask questions, or seek reassurance.

The other partner may experience that intensity as overwhelming. They become quieter, pull away, or ask to stop talking.

But that withdrawal can make the first person feel even more disconnected, so they try harder to engage. The increased pressure may then make the second person withdraw further.

Eventually, both people can feel misunderstood, frustrated, and alone in the conversation.

One person might think, “Why won't you talk to me?” while the other is thinking, “Why can't you give me a moment to breathe?”

Both may be trying to manage something uncomfortable, but their responses can unintentionally intensify the very experience they're trying to avoid.

This is one reason I find it helpful to explore relationship patterns rather than focusing exclusively on individual reactions.

Instead of only asking, “Why does my partner keep doing this?” we can also ask, “What tends to happen between us when we both start feeling disconnected, overwhelmed, or misunderstood?”

That shift can create space for understanding without removing the importance of individual responsibility.

Understanding the Need Underneath the Reaction

One of the things I encourage people to get curious about is the difference between what we're doing in a conversation and what we might actually be needing. Sometimes those two things don't look very similar.

Someone who wants reassurance may become frustrated or repeatedly ask questions. Someone who wants to feel understood may begin defending themselves before they've fully heard their partner. Someone who needs a moment to regulate may become quiet or distant without explaining why.

The response might make sense when we understand what's happening internally, but that doesn't always mean it's helping us get what we need.

For example, imagine that you're feeling disconnected from your partner because you've both been busy. You want more quality time together, but instead of communicating that directly, you say, “You never make time for me anymore.”

Your partner hears criticism and responds by listing everything they've been doing for the relationship.

Now you're arguing about who does more, even though the original need was connection.

A different response might sound like, “I've been missing spending time with you lately, and I think I've been feeling disconnected. Can we make some time for each other this week?”

That doesn't guarantee your partner will respond exactly how you hope. But it gives them a clearer opportunity to understand what you're experiencing.

Sometimes a meaningful shift in communication begins when we can recognize the feeling underneath our reaction and practice putting words to it.

Making Room for Two Different Experiences

Something that can make relationships challenging is that two people can experience the same interaction very differently.

One partner may experience a request for space as rejection, while the other experiences that same space as necessary to feel calm enough to communicate.

One person may view asking questions as an attempt to connect, while the other experiences those questions as pressure.

And sometimes both people become so focused on explaining their own experience that neither feels heard.

Making room for your partner's perspective doesn't require agreeing with everything they say. It also doesn't mean setting aside your own needs or pretending something didn't hurt.

It means recognizing that understanding and agreement aren't always the same thing.

You might say, “That wasn't my intention, but I want to understand why it felt that way to you.”

Or, “I understand that you need space when you're overwhelmed. I also need to know that we're going to come back to the conversation.”

These responses allow both experiences to exist without immediately deciding that one person's feelings cancel out the other's.

Of course, this kind of shared exploration assumes a relationship where both people can participate safely and take responsibility for their behavior. When intimidation, coercion, or abuse is present, the priority is safety and accountability rather than treating the situation as an equally shared communication cycle.

In relationships where collaborative communication is appropriate, learning to make room for different experiences can create opportunities for more meaningful conversations.

Changing the Pattern Doesn't Require Perfect Communication

When couples recognize a recurring conflict cycle, they may begin putting pressure on themselves to never fall into it again.

But understanding a pattern doesn't mean it immediately disappears.

You might still feel defensive when your partner brings up a concern. You might still experience the urge to withdraw when a conversation becomes overwhelming. You might still want reassurance before your partner is ready to talk.

The goal isn't necessarily to eliminate those feelings, but instead sometimes it's learning how to recognize what's happening and practice a different response while those feelings are present.

Maybe instead of immediately defending yourself, you pause and ask, “Can you help me understand what felt hurtful about that?”

Maybe instead of continuing to push for an answer, you communicate, “I'm feeling anxious about leaving this unresolved. Can we agree on when we'll come back to it?”

Or maybe instead of shutting down without explanation, you say, “I'm feeling overwhelmed and need a break, but I do want to work through this with you.”

These are small adjustments, but they can begin changing the direction of a conversation.

They also reflect something we often explore through an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)-informed approach: we can experience difficult emotions while practicing responses that reflect our values.

If connection matters to you, what might it look like to communicate from that place rather than only reacting to the discomfort you're experiencing?

If respect matters to you, how might you practice expressing frustration while still being mindful of how you're communicating?

And if understanding matters, what might it look like to become curious before immediately preparing your response?

These questions aren't about expecting yourself or your partner to communicate perfectly. Think about them as creating more opportunities to respond intentionally.

Repair Can Become Part of the New Pattern

Sometimes we think healthy communication means preventing every disagreement from becoming difficult.

But conflict is a normal part of relationships, and even couples who communicate well can experience misunderstandings, frustration, and moments when they don't show up the way they intended.

What happens afterward can matter, too.

Maybe you recognize that you became defensive and return to the conversation by saying, “I was so focused on explaining myself that I don't think I really listened to what you were saying.”

Maybe you realize that you withdrew without communicating and say, “I needed some space, but I understand that leaving without explaining probably felt confusing. I want to try handling that differently.”

Or maybe you acknowledge that your frustration came out as criticism when what you really needed was support.

Repair doesn't mean skipping accountability or expecting an apology to immediately resolve the impact of someone's behavior. It involves acknowledging what happened and taking meaningful steps toward responding differently.

Over time, the ability to recognize a difficult interaction, take responsibility, and return to the conversation can become part of a healthier relationship pattern.

Sometimes progress isn't, “We never have that argument anymore.”

Sometimes it's, “We're learning to recognize what happens between us, and we're practicing how to reconnect differently.”

Your Next One Percent: Notice What Keeps Happening Between You

If you and your partner have been experiencing recurring arguments, you don't have to begin by trying to solve every disagreement at once. Instead, consider getting curious about one familiar interaction.

What tends to start the conversation? What happens when one person becomes frustrated or overwhelmed? What does each person seem to need in those moments? And what usually happens next?

You might discover that underneath the frustration is a desire to feel supported, understood, respected, or connected. From there, consider one small response you might want to practice differently.

Maybe it's communicating a need before frustration builds. Maybe it's listening long enough to understand your partner's experience before responding. Maybe it's taking a break with a clear plan to return, or making space for repair after a difficult conversation.

Realistically, we can’t eliminate every disagreement or become a couple that never struggles, however we can create more opportunities to understand yourselves, recognize the patterns that keep showing up, and practice responses that reflect the kind of relationship you want to build.

Because sometimes meaningful change in a relationship begins with a different question.

Instead of only asking, “Why do we keep having the same argument?”

We can begin asking:

“What keeps happening between us, and how do we want to respond differently?”

Small Steps. Meaningful Change.

Making Room for Yourself: Weekly Relationship Reflection

Whether you're reflecting individually or with your partner, consider these questions:

1. What disagreement or communication pattern seems to keep showing up in our relationship?

2. What emotions or needs might be underneath my usual response?

3. How do I tend to respond when I feel criticized, disconnected, overwhelmed, or misunderstood?

4. What might my partner be experiencing differently from me?

5. What's one small response I would like to practice the next time this pattern shows up?

These reflections aren't about determining who is right or wrong. They're an opportunity to better understand your experience and consider how you want to show up in your relationship.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do couples keep having the same arguments?

Couples may repeat familiar arguments because the interaction between partners follows a recurring pattern, even when the topic changes. One person's response can influence the other's, creating a cycle of frustration, defensiveness, withdrawal, or disconnection. Recognizing the cycle can help partners understand what happens during conflict and consider different ways of responding.

What if my partner and I have different communication styles?

Different communication preferences don't automatically mean a relationship is unhealthy or incompatible. One partner may need time to process, while the other prefers to talk through an issue immediately. Understanding those differences and developing agreements about how to communicate, take breaks, and return to conversations can be helpful.

Is it normal for couples to argue about the same things?

Recurring disagreements are common in relationships, particularly around responsibilities, communication, time, finances, and emotional needs. What matters is not only whether a disagreement happens again, but how partners approach it, whether concerns are addressed, and whether both people can communicate safely and respectfully.

Can couples therapy help with recurring arguments?

Couples therapy can provide space to explore recurring conflict cycles, understand the emotions and needs that may be influencing interactions, and practice different ways of communicating. It can also help partners develop greater awareness of how their responses affect one another and explore opportunities for connection, accountability, and repair.

Exploring Couples Therapy in Henderson, Nevada

If you and your partner find yourselves having familiar disagreements or struggling to feel understood during difficult conversations, couples therapy can offer space to explore what's happening between you.

At One Percent Counseling, I offer couples and premarital therapy in Henderson, Nevada. My approach emphasizes understanding relationship patterns, making room for each person's experiences, and practicing meaningful changes through small, intentional steps.

You don't have to have every conversation figured out before seeking support.

Explore Couples Therapy | Learn About Premarital Therapy | Schedule a Consultation

This article is intended for educational purposes and is not a substitute for individualized mental health care or relationship safety assessment.

Therapy for Overwhelm in Henderson and Throughout Nevada

Therapy can offer space to explore what you are carrying, the expectations shaping your choices, and the support that may help. At One Percent Counseling, I work with adults to build self-awareness, explore flexible supports, and practice small actions guided by what matters to them.

Learn more about individual therapy through the Services menu, or schedule a consultation to explore whether working together might be a good fit. In-person sessions are available in Henderson, with online individual therapy available throughout Nevada.

Small Steps. Meaningful Change.

Disclaimer

This blog is for educational and reflective purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, medical care, or individualized mental health treatment.

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About The Author

Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.

Why Do I Feel Overwhelmed Even When Nothing Is Wrong?

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Why Do I Feel Overwhelmed Even When Nothing Is Wrong?

By Maraya Pena · October 7, 2026

Sometimes overwhelm shows up on a day that looks completely ordinary. You go to work, answer texts, make dinner, and try to keep up with the things that need your attention. Nothing significantly upsetting happened, but by the end of the day, one more question or decision feels like wayyy too much. You might find yourself wondering, “Why am I so overwhelmed? Nothing tangible is even wrong.”

Everyday demands, mental load, and personal expectations can build up without one major stressful event. You may be managing more than you realize, even when your day looks ordinary from the outside.

When you can’t necessarily point to one clear reason, it can be easy to question whether your feelings are valid. You might remind yourself that other people have more going on or that you should be grateful for the life you have. But you can also appreciate your life and still feel stretched thin. You do not need a major crisis to acknowledge that something feels heavy.

Why Everyday Life Can Feel Overwhelming

Sometimes the weight comes from the accumulation of everyday demands. There are the things you do, and then there are the things you keep track of: appointments, bills, unfinished conversations, household needs, and what everyone might need from you next.

Even during a quiet moment, you may be planning tomorrow or reminding yourself of something you cannot forget. Sitting/laying down does not always mean your attention gets to rest.

Imagine getting home after a manageable workday. Your partner asks what you want for dinner, and you suddenly feel irritated or close to tears. Later, you wonder why such a small question bothered you. Maybe you spent the day making decisions, adjusting to other people’s needs, and postponing your own. The dinner question arrived at a moment when you had very little room left for another decision (which I can definitely relate to) .

Looking at the whole day can help you understand that moment with a little more compassion. What seemed like a reaction to one question, may have followed hours of carrying a lot.

How Personal Expectations Add to the Pressure

The expectations you carry can add weight, too. Maybe you feel responsible for being dependable, keeping everyone comfortable, or handling things without asking for help. You might even actually have time to rest but find yourself thinking, “I should be doing something productive.” This is a common experience especially with cultural considerations where some families praise productivity.

When rest comes with guilt or a running list of unfinished tasks, it can be difficult to feel settled. You may also notice that your expectations have stayed the same even though your circumstances have changed. A fuller work schedule, a relationship concern, or a difficult season may leave you with less room than you had before.

It can help to notice the rules you are asking yourself to follow. “I should always be available.” “I should be able to handle this.” “I can rest when everything is finished.” You do not have to immediately change every expectation (that can lead to burnout). Start by asking whether it leaves room for your current needs and the support available to you.

Start With Curiosity About What You Need

When you feel overwhelmed, try asking, “What has been taking up my attention lately?” or “What am I expecting myself to manage without support?” These questions give you an opportunity to understand your experience before deciding what needs to change.

You may discover that you need a clearer boundary, fewer decisions at the end of the day, or help with something you have quietly taken responsibility for. You might notice that you have been agreeing to things before checking whether you have the time or energy. Or you may need space to acknowledge a difficult feeling you have been trying to push through.

Sometimes that reflection points toward a practical adjustment. If everything feels equally urgent, you might find it helpful to explore what actually needs your attention and choose where to direct your energy first.

You do not need a perfect explanation before responding to what you notice. “I need help with dinner tonight” or “I need a few minutes before we talk” can be a place to begin.

Make the Next Step Small Enough to Use

When you already feel overwhelmed, a complicated routine can become another expectation. Choose something that fits your actual day. You could take a few quiet minutes between work and household responsibilities, ask your partner to choose dinner, or let a nonessential task wait until tomorrow. Sometimes it can be helpful to break down tasks as levels. Level one being the most manageable and level 3 being the most energy taking. Ask yourself which level you have the capacity for, and honor both sides of you that may need more rest but also wants to feel like something tangible was done.

You can also notice the thoughts that show up around those choices. If your mind says, “I’m being lazy,” when you sit down, try naming it: “I’m noticing the thought that I’m being lazy.” This is one way to practice creating a little distance from a thought while considering what you need.

You may still feel uncomfortable asking for help or leaving something unfinished. You can acknowledge that discomfort and choose a small action guided by what matters to you, such as caring for your health, communicating honestly, or being more present in your relationships.

Your One Percent Step

This week, notice one moment when everything starts to feel like too much. Pause and ask yourself, “What is asking for my attention right now, and what could make this moment a little more manageable?”

Choose one small response. Maybe it is asking for help, postponing a task, writing down what you are trying to remember, or being honest that you need a few quiet minutes. Let that choice be enough for the moment. You can return to the question again as you learn more about what supports you.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can I feel overwhelmed even when life is going well?

Yes. Positive experiences and everyday responsibilities can still require time, attention, and adjustment. You can feel grateful for parts of your life while also recognizing that you need more support or breathing room.

What can I do when even small decisions feel overwhelming?

Consider whether you can reduce the number of decisions in front of you. Choose one immediate priority, let something nonessential wait, or ask someone to help with a specific task. Notice what makes the moment more manageable rather than expecting yourself to solve everything at once.

Do I need a major problem to start therapy?

You can seek therapy when you want support understanding your feelings, needs, or patterns. If overwhelm keeps returning, affects your daily life, or feels difficult to understand, that is something you can bring into a session. “I feel overwhelmed, and I’m not sure why” is a place to start.

Learn more about Individual Therapy | Explore Couples Therapy | Schedule a Consultation

Therapy for Overwhelm in Henderson and Throughout Nevada

Therapy can offer space to explore what you are carrying, the expectations shaping your choices, and the support that may help. At One Percent Counseling, I work with adults to build self-awareness, explore flexible supports, and practice small actions guided by what matters to them.

Learn more about individual therapy through the Services menu, or schedule a consultation to explore whether working together might be a good fit. In-person sessions are available in Henderson, with online individual therapy available throughout Nevada.

Small Steps. Meaningful Change.

Disclaimer

This blog is for educational and reflective purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, medical care, or individualized mental health treatment.

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About The Author

Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.

Building New Patterns: How Small Changes Can Shape the Way We Show Up

By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern

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Building New Patterns: How Small Changes Can Shape the Way We Show Up

Throughout September, we’ve spent time talking about patterns.

We started by noticing them. We explored why we can continue repeating familiar patterns even when we understand them. Then we looked at what it can mean to pause and practice a different response when the familiar one shows up.

For the final week of our Patterns, Not Problems series, I want to focus on what comes next because changing patterns isn’t just only about the things we don’t want to be or do. Facilitating behavioral change can also be about intentionally building more of what we do want.

Maybe that means:

• communicating more openly

• pausing before automatically saying yes

• allowing yourself to experience uncertainty without immediately looking for reassurance

• returning to a difficult conversation instead of avoiding it

• asking for what you need

• making space for your partner’s experience without immediately preparing your defense.

These moments can seem small, but new patterns often begin in exactly these kinds of situations.

The Old Pattern Doesn't Have to Disappear First

When we decide we want to change something, it can be easy to assume that progress means the old pattern should stop happening. So when you catch yourself overthinking again, people-pleasing again, becoming defensive again, or getting pulled into the same disagreement with your partner, it can feel like you're right back where you started.

It’s important to note (and come to accept) change isn't always that clean.

Sometimes the old response and the new response exist alongside each other for a while. You might still feel the urge to say yes because disappointing someone feels uncomfortable, while also learning to give yourself more time before answering. You might still overthink when you don't know how something will turn out, while becoming better at recognizing when your mind is searching for certainty that isn't available. You and your partner might still get pulled into the same conflict cycle, while beginning to recognize what's happening a little sooner.

The fact that the familiar response still shows up doesn't mean the work you're doing isn't meaningful. Sometimes progress is realizing, “I know where this usually goes, and I want to try something a little different this time.”

That's an important shift because it gives us more than one option. Instead of automatically following the familiar pattern, we begin creating a little more space between what we're experiencing and what we do next.

Practicing Something Different Might Feel Uncomfortable

One thing we don't always talk about when it comes to personal growth is that a different response doesn't necessarily feel better right away.

If you're used to people-pleasing, setting a boundary might feel uncomfortable. If you're accustomed to keeping your needs to yourself, asking for something may feel vulnerable. If you've learned to withdraw when conversations become difficult, staying present long enough to communicate that you need a break might feel unfamiliar. Even receiving a compliment without immediately minimizing it can feel awkward when you're used to dismissing positive attention.

Sometimes we interpret that discomfort as a sign that we're doing something wrong. But something feeling unfamiliar and something being wrong aren't necessarily the same thing.

This is where I like bringing values into the conversation. Instead of only asking, “Does this feel comfortable?” we can also ask, “Does this reflect how I want to show up?”

If honesty matters to you, maybe the small shift is communicating something you've been keeping to yourself. If connection matters, maybe it's allowing yourself to be a little more vulnerable even though there's no guarantee of how someone will respond. If taking care of yourself matters, maybe it's tolerating the discomfort of saying no when you don't have the capacity to say yes.

This doesn't mean pushing through every uncomfortable feeling or ignoring your boundaries. Sometimes the response that reflects your values is taking space, resting, saying no, or deciding something isn't right for you. The idea is simply to create enough room to notice the difference between choosing something intentionally and automatically following a familiar response.

Building New Patterns in Our Relationships

Patterns become especially interesting in relationships because we're rarely responding in isolation. One person's reaction can influence the other's, which influences the first person again, and before long both people can find themselves in a familiar cycle.

For example, one partner might feel disconnected and want to resolve an issue immediately. They ask more questions, push for the conversation, or look for reassurance that the relationship is okay. The other person starts feeling overwhelmed by the intensity of the conversation and pulls away. That distance makes the first person feel even more disconnected, so they try harder to engage. The increased pressure makes the other person want even more space.

Eventually, both people may walk away believing the other person caused the problem.

Changing that pattern doesn't require both people to suddenly become perfect communicators. Sometimes a different pattern begins with one person recognizing what's happening and putting words to it.

Maybe instead of continuing to push, someone says, “I'm realizing I'm trying really hard to get an answer because I'm feeling disconnected from you.”

Maybe instead of completely shutting down, the other person says, “I'm getting overwhelmed and I need some space, but I don't want to leave this unresolved. Can we come back to it tonight?”

Neither response guarantees that the conversation suddenly becomes easy. What they can do is create a different experience than the one the couple usually has.

And sometimes the new pattern happens after the conflict. Healthy communication doesn't mean never becoming defensive, frustrated, triggered, or misunderstood. Repair matters too. Coming back and saying, “I don't think I communicated that the way I wanted to,” or “I was so focused on explaining myself that I wasn't really listening to you,” can become part of a healthier pattern.

Progress in a relationship doesn't always mean, “We don't have that argument anymore.” Sometimes it's, “We're starting to recognize what happens between us, and we're learning how to come back to each other differently.”

Sometimes the New Pattern Is Just Between You and You

Of course, not every pattern involves another person.

Maybe the new pattern you're building is checking in with yourself before agreeing to something. Maybe it's allowing yourself to make a decision without asking five other people what they think first. Maybe it's noticing an anxious thought without spending the next hour trying to solve it. Maybe it's doing something meaningful while self-doubt is still present.

It could even be resting before you're completely exhausted, communicating a boundary without writing a paragraph explaining why you're allowed to have one, or recognizing that you're overthinking and gently returning your attention to what's actually happening right now.

None of those things sound particularly dramatic. That's kind of the point.

We often imagine change as becoming a completely different version of ourselves, when much of the work can happen in these smaller moments. A different pause. A different sentence. A different choice. A slightly different way of responding to the same feeling.

When we practice those responses repeatedly, they can begin to become more familiar too.

You Don't Have to Become a Different Person

If there's one thing I hope you carry with you from Patterns, Not Problems, it's that recognizing something you want to change doesn't have to begin with believing there's something wrong with you.

Our patterns can give us information. They can show us what feels uncomfortable, what we may be trying to protect ourselves from, what we learned about relationships, how we respond when we don't know what's going to happen, or what happens inside of us when we feel overwhelmed or disconnected.

Understanding that information doesn't mean every pattern needs to stay. It simply gives us somewhere more compassionate and useful to begin.

We can start asking, “Does this still support me?” and “How would I like to respond instead?”

And we don't have to answer those questions by completely reinventing ourselves. Sometimes we're simply building more options: more opportunities to pause, more honest conversations, more willingness to communicate a need, more boundaries, more flexibility, or more room to choose an action that reflects what matters to us.

That brings us back to the One Percent mindset.

Instead of asking yourself, “How do I completely change this pattern?” consider asking:

“What's one response I'd like to practice more often?”

Maybe you won't do it every time. Maybe you'll recognize the old pattern after it already happened. Maybe you'll try something different and it will still feel uncomfortable.

That's okay. You still learned something.

Meaningful change doesn't always begin when an old pattern finally disappears. Sometimes it begins when the pattern shows up and you realize:

I have another option.

And then, one percent at a time, you practice choosing it.

Small Steps. Meaningful Change.

Patterns, Not Problems: Final Reflection

As we close the series, take a moment to reflect:

What pattern have I become more aware of this month?

When does it tend to show up?

What might this pattern help me manage, avoid, or protect myself from?

How would I like to respond when it shows up?

What's one small response I want to continue practicing?

Interested in exploring your own patterns?

Therapy can provide space to understand the patterns that keep showing up and practice responses that reflect your needs, relationships, and values.

At One Percent Counseling, I offer individual, couples, and premarital therapy in Henderson, Nevada, with telehealth services available throughout Nevada.

Explore individual therapy, learn more about couples therapy, or schedule a consultation to see whether working together might be a good fit.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do I keep falling back into old patterns?
Familiar responses can still show up even when you're actively working on changing them. Rather than measuring progress only by whether a pattern disappears, you might also notice whether you're recognizing it sooner, understanding what's happening differently, or creating more opportunities to choose another response.

Why does changing a pattern feel uncomfortable?
A new response can feel unfamiliar, especially if you've relied on another way of responding for a long time. Setting a boundary may feel uncomfortable if you're accustomed to people-pleasing, for example. Discomfort doesn't automatically tell us whether a choice is right or wrong. It can be helpful to consider whether the response reflects your needs, boundaries, and the way you want to show up.

How can couples change repeating communication patterns?
One place to start is noticing what tends to happen between you during moments of conflict or disconnection. Rather than focusing only on the topic of the argument, couples can become curious about the cycle underneath it—what each person experiences, how they respond, and how those responses influence one another. Couples therapy can also provide space to explore these cycles and practice different ways of communicating and reconnecting.

Can therapy help if I already understand my patterns?
Understanding why you do something can be valuable, but therapy doesn't have to stop at awareness. Therapy can also be a space to notice how patterns show up in your life now, explore what keeps them going, clarify how you'd like to respond, and practice what comes next.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

Therapy can offer space to understand the patterns that keep showing up and practice new ways of responding to yourself and others. One Percent Counseling offers individual, couples, and premarital therapy in Henderson, Nevada, with virtual individual therapy available throughout Nevada.

Learn more about Individual Therapy | Explore Couples Therapy | Schedule a Consultation

Accepting New Adult Clients in Nevada

If you're navigating anxiety, relationship challenges, ADHD-related concerns, life transitions, or simply feeling disconnected from yourself, therapy can be a space to pause, regroup, and move forward with greater intention.

• In-person in Henderson, NV

• Telehealth throughout Nevada

One Percent Counseling

Small Steps. Meaningful Change.

Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.

Disclaimer

This blog is for educational and reflective purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, medical care, or individualized mental health treatment.

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About The Author

Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.

Choosing a Different Response: How to Change Familiar Patterns One Small Step at a Time

By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern

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Choosing a Different Response: One Percent at a Time

Have you ever recognized a familiar pattern while it was happening and still found yourself responding the same way?

Maybe you noticed that you were overthinking but continued replaying the conversation or you might have recognized that you were saying yes to avoid disappointing someone, even though you wanted to say no. You could feel yourself becoming defensive during a disagreement, but you weren't quite sure how to respond differently.

Sometimes awareness comes before we're ready to practice something new. We can understand our patterns, recognize what brings them up, and still find ourselves returning to familiar responses.

Throughout September, our Patterns, Not Problems series has focused on approaching these experiences with curiosity rather than immediately judging ourselves for them. We've explored how patterns can become familiar ways of managing discomfort, uncertainty, vulnerability, and conflict.

Now we're moving into the next part of that conversation: What happens after we notice the pattern?

Understanding a Pattern Is Different From Practicing a New Response

Recognizing a pattern can help us understand what's happening, but awareness doesn't automatically give us a new way to respond.

For example, you might understand that you tend to people-please because disappointing others feels uncomfortable or you may recognize that overthinking gives you a temporary sense of control or that withdrawing from difficult conversations helps you manage feeling overwhelmed.

That understanding and awareness is helpful, but when the familiar situation happens again, you may still experience the same feelings and urges and this is where we can begin practicing something different.

Instead of expecting ourselves to immediately stop feeling anxious, uncertain, defensive, or uncomfortable, we can ask what kind of response we want to practice while those experiences are present.

The goal isn't necessarily to eliminate the feeling before making a different choice. Sometimes it's learning that the feeling can be there without having to determine everything we do next.

What happens between the feeling and the response?

Imagine someone asks you to take on another responsibility when you're already feeling overwhelmed.

Your familiar response might be to say yes immediately. You notice the thought, “I don't want them to be disappointed in me.” You feel uncomfortable imagining their reaction, and agreeing seems like the easiest way to move past that discomfort.

A different response doesn't have to mean delivering a perfectly confident no.

It might begin with, “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.”

That small pause gives you an opportunity to consider your capacity, your needs, and what you genuinely want to agree to.

The same idea can apply to other patterns. If you notice yourself overthinking, you might ask what information you actually have right now. If you're avoiding a conversation, you might identify one manageable step toward having it. If you're seeking reassurance, you might pause to notice what uncertainty you're trying to resolve.

These responses may not immediately remove discomfort, however they create an opportunity to relate to it differently.

Choosing a Response That Reflects What Matters To You

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), we can explore how to make room for difficult internal experiences while taking actions that reflect our values.

Values can help us identify how we want to show up, even when our feelings are pulling us toward a familiar response.

If honesty matters to you, you might practice communicating a need even when you're nervous about someone's reaction. If connection matters, you might practice being vulnerable even when part of you wants to withdraw. If personal growth matters, you might explore an opportunity without waiting until you feel completely confident.

This isn't about forcing yourself into every uncomfortable situation. Your boundaries, safety, and capacity matter, too. Sometimes getting curious when discomfort begins will allow you to recognize what is leading your decisions.

You might ask yourself, “Am I choosing this because it reflects what matters to me, or because I'm trying to avoid a feeling I don't want to experience?”

Sometimes the answer will help you recognize that you genuinely need rest, space, or a boundary. Other times, it may help you identify a small action you've been postponing because it feels uncomfortable.

Patterns and Relationships

Familiar patterns also show up between partners, particularly during moments of conflict or disconnection.

Maybe one partner wants to resolve a disagreement immediately, while the other becomes overwhelmed and needs space. As one person pushes for the conversation, the other withdraws. Both may recognize the cycle afterward but struggle to respond differently when it happens again.

A different response might begin with recognizing the cycle while it's happening.

One partner might say, “I'm noticing that I'm pushing for an answer because I'm feeling disconnected. Can we talk about when we can come back to this?”

The other might respond, “I'm getting overwhelmed and need a break, but I do want to work through this with you.”

Neither person has to communicate perfectly for the interaction to begin shifting. What matters is creating room for a response that supports understanding rather than automatically continuing the familiar cycle.

Of course, not every relationship difficulty is a shared communication pattern. Accountability, boundaries, and safety remain important. Practicing different responses does not mean tolerating harmful behavior or taking responsibility for another person's actions.

For couples who want to work on recurring conflict cycles, couples therapy can offer space to recognize what happens between partners and practice different ways of communicating and reconnecting.

Progress Can Look Like Noticing Sooner

When we're trying to change a pattern, it's easy to measure progress by whether the pattern happened at all, but meaningful change can be more gradual than that.

Maybe you still overthink, but you recognize when you're doing it and return your attention to the present a little sooner. Maybe you still feel uncomfortable setting a boundary, but you give yourself time to consider your answer. Maybe you and your partner still get caught in a familiar disagreement, but one of you notices the cycle and suggests a pause before it escalates.

These moments matter because you're practicing another way of responding.

You don't have to wait until the pattern disappears to recognize that something is changing.

Sometimes progress sounds like, “I noticed what was happening, and I tried something different.”

Your Next One Percent

Changing familiar patterns doesn't require a complete transformation overnight. It can begin with one response that feels more aligned with how you want to show up.

This week, consider a pattern you've been noticing. Rather than expecting yourself to eliminate it, think about what you might want to practice the next time it appears.

Maybe you'll pause before answering. Communicate a need. Ask for space while making a plan to return to the conversation. Take a manageable step toward something you've been avoiding. Or simply recognize that a familiar response is showing up and give yourself a moment to consider your options.

You can experience discomfort and still practice something different. You can also recognize a familiar pattern without immediately judging yourself for it. And you can begin creating meaningful change through small, intentional responses.

Patterns, Not Problems: Weekly Reflection

1. What familiar pattern have I been noticing?

2. What tends to happen right before I respond this way?

3. What might this response help me manage, avoid, or protect myself from?

4. How do I want to show up when this situation happens again?

5. What's one small response I can practice this week?

Interested in exploring your own patterns?

Therapy can provide space to understand the patterns that keep showing up and practice responses that reflect your needs, relationships, and values.

At One Percent Counseling, I offer individual, couples, and premarital therapy in Henderson, Nevada, with telehealth services available throughout Nevada.

Explore individual therapy, learn more about couples therapy, or schedule a consultation to see whether working together might be a good fit.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do I repeat patterns even when I know they are unhelpful?
Patterns often continue because they provide short-term relief or protection from discomfort, conflict, rejection, or uncertainty. Recognizing the pattern is important, but changing it usually requires practicing a different response over time.

Can you understand a pattern and still struggle to change it?
Yes. Insight does not automatically change a familiar emotional or behavioral response. New responses can initially feel uncomfortable, even when they better reflect your needs and values.

How can therapy help me change repeating patterns?
Therapy can help you identify triggers, understand what a pattern may be protecting you from, and practice small, intentional responses that feel more sustainable.

Can couples therapy help with repeated conflict patterns?
Yes. Couples therapy can help partners recognize the cycle occurring between them, understand the emotions and needs underneath their reactions, and develop healthier ways to communicate and reconnect.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

Therapy can offer space to understand the patterns that keep showing up and practice new ways of responding to yourself and others. One Percent Counseling offers individual, couples, and premarital therapy in Henderson, Nevada, with virtual individual therapy available throughout Nevada.

Learn more about Individual Therapy | Explore Couples Therapy | Schedule a Consultation

Accepting New Adult Clients in Nevada

If you're navigating anxiety, relationship challenges, ADHD-related concerns, life transitions, or simply feeling disconnected from yourself, therapy can be a space to pause, regroup, and move forward with greater intention.

• In-person in Henderson, NV

• Telehealth throughout Nevada

One Percent Counseling

Small Steps. Meaningful Change.

Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.

Disclaimer

This blog is for educational and reflective purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, medical care, or individualized mental health treatment.

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About The Author

Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.

What Keeps The Pattern Going? Even when you know better…

By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern

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What keeps patterns going even when you know better?

Noticing a pattern is an important first step. But sometimes awareness brings a frustrating question:

If I know what I’m doing, why do I keep doing it?

You might recognize that you shut down during difficult conversations, overthink every decision, avoid asking for help, or repeatedly place other people’s needs ahead of your own. You may even understand where the pattern began and yet, still find yourself returning to it.

That does not mean you are unwilling to change. It often means the pattern is still meeting a need.

Patterns often provide short-term protection

Many patterns develop because they helped us manage something difficult. People-pleasing may reduce the possibility of conflict, avoidance may provide temporary relief from anxiety, and shutting down may protect us when expressing our emotions does not feel safe.

These responses can bring short-term comfort, even when they create longer-term disconnection or frustration.

Instead of asking, “What is wrong with me?” it may be more helpful to ask:

“What is this pattern trying to protect me from?”

This shift allows us to approach the pattern with curiosity rather than shame.

Familiar doesn’t always mean helpful

We are often drawn toward responses that feel familiar even when they are no longer helpful.

If you learned that conflict leads to rejection, you may try to keep the peace at any cost. If your needs were minimized, you may have difficulty identifying or expressing them. If you were expected to manage everything independently, receiving support may feel uncomfortable.

The pattern may continue because your mind recognizes it as predictable. A healthier response can initially feel unfamiliar, vulnerable, or even unsafe.

Discomfort does not necessarily mean you are making the wrong choice. Sometimes it means you are practicing something new.

Relationship patterns involve a cycle

Patterns also develop between people.

One partner may seek reassurance by asking more questions or pushing for a conversation. The other may feel overwhelmed and create distance. That distance increases the first partner’s anxiety, causing them to pursue the conversation even more.

Eventually, both people feel misunderstood and the problem is not necessarily one partner or the other. The cycle itself has become the problem.

Recognizing the cycle can help couples move away from blame and begin asking:

• What happens immediately before we disconnect?

• What does each of us feel during the cycle?

• What are we trying to receive or protect?

• What could help us respond differently?

Changing the pattern one percent at a time

Patterns rarely disappear because we promise never to repeat them again. Change usually happens through small, intentional responses practiced over time.

Your next one percent might look like:

• Pausing before automatically saying yes

• Naming that you feel overwhelmed instead of shutting down

• Asking for reassurance directly

• Allowing yourself to experience discomfort without immediately avoiding it

• Returning to a conversation after taking time to regulate

• Choosing one response that better reflects your values

You do not have to respond perfectly. You are learning to create more space between the trigger and your next choice.

This week’s Pattern Check-In

1. What pattern have I noticed recently?

2. What immediate relief or protection does it provide?

3. What does the pattern cost me over time?

4. What need might be underneath it?

5. What would a one-percent shift look like the next time it appears?

Understanding what keeps a pattern going can help you respond with greater intention and compassion. Therapy can provide a supportive place to explore these patterns individually or together and begin practicing responses that better reflect the life and relationships you want to build.

One Percent Counseling offers individual and couples therapy in Henderson, Nevada, with telehealth available throughout Nevada.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do I repeat patterns even when I know they are unhelpful?
Patterns often continue because they provide short-term relief or protection from discomfort, conflict, rejection, or uncertainty. Recognizing the pattern is important, but changing it usually requires practicing a different response over time.

Can you understand a pattern and still struggle to change it?
Yes. Insight does not automatically change a familiar emotional or behavioral response. New responses can initially feel uncomfortable, even when they better reflect your needs and values.

How can therapy help me change repeating patterns?
Therapy can help you identify triggers, understand what a pattern may be protecting you from, and practice small, intentional responses that feel more sustainable.

Can couples therapy help with repeated conflict patterns?
Yes. Couples therapy can help partners recognize the cycle occurring between them, understand the emotions and needs underneath their reactions, and develop healthier ways to communicate and reconnect.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

Therapy can offer space to understand the patterns that keep showing up and practice new ways of responding to yourself and others. One Percent Counseling offers individual, couples, and premarital therapy in Henderson, Nevada, with virtual individual therapy available throughout Nevada.

Learn more about Individual Therapy | Explore Couples Therapy | Schedule a Consultation

Accepting New Adult Clients in Nevada

If you're navigating anxiety, relationship challenges, ADHD-related concerns, life transitions, or simply feeling disconnected from yourself, therapy can be a space to pause, regroup, and move forward with greater intention.

• In-person in Henderson, NV

• Telehealth throughout Nevada

One Percent Counseling

Small Steps. Meaningful Change.

Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.

Disclaimer

This blog is for educational and reflective purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, medical care, or individualized mental health treatment.

---

About The Author

Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.

Why Do The Same Patterns Keep Repeating? Understanding What Keeps Us Stuck.

By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern

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Why Do I Keep Repeating the Same Patterns? Understanding What Keeps Us Stuck.

Have you ever caught yourself doing something familiar and thought, “I know I do this. So why do I keep doing it?”

Maybe you know you tend to overthink conversations long after they’ve ended or you recognize that you say yes when you really want to say no, or you avoid conversations that might feel uncomfortable, seek reassurance when you feel uncertain, become defensive when you feel misunderstood, or shut down when things become overwhelming.

Sometimes we have a lot of awareness about our patterns. We can name them, recognize where they may have come from, and even understand how they affect us. And yet, when the right situation comes along, we can find ourselves doing the same thing again.

That can be frustrating. But recognizing a pattern and knowing how to respond differently are not always the same thing.

This month at One Percent Counseling, we’re exploring Patterns, Not Problems and looking at some of the patterns we develop individually and in our relationships with a little more curiosity and a little less judgment.

Awareness Is Important, But It Doesn't Automatically Create Change

Self-awareness can give us valuable information. It can help us recognize what we're feeling, understand our reactions, and notice connections between our experiences and behaviors. But sometimes we expect awareness to do more than that.

Once we know we're people-pleasing, we think we should simply stop. Once we recognize that we're avoiding something, we think we should be able to face it. Once we understand that we shut down during conflict, we might become frustrated with ourselves the next time it happens.

That might sound like, “I know better than this.”

But knowing the pattern and practicing another way of responding are two different processes.

A familiar response can happen quickly, particularly when we're uncomfortable, overwhelmed, uncertain, or feeling vulnerable. That's why change isn't always about gathering more insight. Sometimes it's about learning to notice what's happening in the moment and creating enough space to practice something different.

Your Patterns May Make More Sense Than You Think

Before deciding that a pattern is something you need to “fix,” it can be helpful to get curious about what the pattern might be doing for you.

People-pleasing, for example, might help you avoid the discomfort of someone being disappointed with you. Overthinking might feel like a way to create certainty in a situation where there isn't much certainty available. Avoiding a conversation might provide temporary relief from conflict or vulnerability. Seeking reassurance might help settle uncertainty, even if only briefly.

Understanding the function of a pattern doesn't mean you have to keep it.

It simply changes the question from:

“What's wrong with me?”

to:

“What happens for me here?”

You might start asking: When does this pattern tend to show up? What happens right before it? What feeling or experience might I be trying to manage? What does this response give me in the short term? And what might it be costing me over time?

Curiosity can give us information that criticism often can't.

Sometimes the Pattern Is Between Us (not just within us)

Patterns also show up in relationships.

Couples can find themselves having what feels like the same argument again and again, even when the actual topic changes.

Imagine one partner wants to resolve a disagreement immediately. They ask more questions, continue the conversation, or push for reassurance because they want to feel connected again.

The other partner starts to feel overwhelmed. They become quieter, ask for space, or withdraw from the conversation.

The first partner experiences that withdrawal as disconnection, so they try even harder to engage.

The second person feels even more overwhelmed, so they pull away further.

Eventually, both people may leave the interaction feeling unheard.

One person might think, “Why don't they care enough to talk to me?”

The other might think, “Why can't they just give me space?”

From inside the conflict, it's easy to see the other person's behavior as the problem. But sometimes the more useful thing to notice is the cycle happening between you.

Instead of:

Me vs. you

we can begin exploring:

Us vs. the pattern we keep getting pulled into.

Recognizing a relationship cycle doesn't mean ignoring hurtful behavior or pretending every conflict is equally shared. It gives couples another way to understand what is happening between them and where a different response might become possible.

Notice the Pattern Before You Try to Fix It

Last month, our Reset & Regroup series focused on pausing, noticing what needed our attention, considering what felt supportive or draining, and giving ourselves permission to adjust.

We can bring that same practice into September.

Before immediately trying to stop a behavior, see if you can notice it.

Maybe you notice the urge to say yes before you've checked in with yourself, notice that your mind starts replaying a conversation when you're uncertain about how someone perceived you, or you notice yourself pulling away as soon as vulnerability enters a conversation.

Or maybe you and your partner begin recognizing the moment when a conversation shifts from trying to understand each other to trying to defend yourselves.

You don't necessarily need to have the perfect response yet.

Start with: “I'm noticing the pattern.”

What Would a One Percent Shift Look Like?

Changing patterns doesn't have to mean never falling into them again.

Sometimes progress is much smaller and much easier to overlook.

Maybe you notice the pattern five minutes earlier than you usually do, pause before automatically saying yes, recognize that you're seeking reassurance because uncertainty feels uncomfortable, or you tell your partner that you're becoming overwhelmed instead of abruptly ending the conversation.

A one percent shift might sound like:

“Let me think about that before I answer.”

“I'm noticing that I'm starting to shut down.”

“I think I'm getting defensive. Can we slow this down?”

“I need some space, but I want to come back to this conversation.”

“I'm overthinking this because I really want to know how it's going to turn out.”

These responses don't require the discomfort to disappear first. They simply create another option for how we respond to it.

Sometimes progress isn't:

“I don't do this anymore.”

Sometimes it's:

“I'm noticing it sooner, understanding it differently, and practicing another response when I can.”

And those small shifts can add up!

Patterns, Not Problems

Throughout September, we'll continue exploring the patterns that can shape how we relate to ourselves and the people around us.

We'll look at what can keep patterns going, how avoidance and protection can play a role, what it looks like to practice a different response, and how couples can begin building new patterns together.

The goal isn't to identify everything you're doing “wrong.”

It's to become more curious about what's happening, understand what may be keeping you stuck, and consider what you want to practice moving forward.

Because you don't have to change everything at once.

Notice. Get curious. Choose one small shift.

September Week 1 Reflection

Rather than using the full Reset & Regroup check-in again, I’d introduce a short Patterns, Not Problems Reflection that we can repeat throughout September:

What pattern am I noticing?

When does it tend to show up?

What might this pattern help me manage, avoid, or protect myself from?

What might it be costing me?

What's one small response I'd like to practice instead?

Small Steps. Meaningful Change.

Final Thoughts

One of the reasons I wanted the Reset & Regroup Check-In to remain the same throughout this series is because our answers aren't meant to stay the same. Life changes, our needs change, our capacity changes, and what matters to us can shift.

The point of checking in isn't to find the “correct” answer and stick with it forever. It's to create a practice of returning to yourself.

You can ask these questions when life feels overwhelming. You can return to them during a transition, after a difficult season, when something feels off, or simply when you've been moving so quickly that you haven't checked in with yourself for a while.

You don't need to wait until January, Monday, your birthday, or some imaginary perfect starting point.

You can pause and regroup whenever you need to.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do I keep repeating the same patterns even when I know better?
Awareness is an important part of change, but recognizing a pattern does not automatically change how you respond when it appears. Familiar patterns can become ways of responding to discomfort, uncertainty, conflict, or vulnerability. Change can involve noticing when the pattern shows up, understanding what may be maintaining it, and gradually practicing different responses.

How do I break patterns of overthinking, avoidance, or people-pleasing?
Rather than trying to change everything at once, start by noticing when the pattern appears and what tends to happen before it. Consider what the pattern may help you manage or avoid and whether it is still supporting you. From there, you can identify one small response you would like to practice differently.

Why do couples keep having the same arguments?
Sometimes couples become caught in a recurring cycle where each person's response influences the other's. For example, one partner may push for a conversation when they feel disconnected while the other withdraws when they feel overwhelmed. Recognizing the cycle can help shift the focus from blaming one another toward understanding what keeps happening between you.

Can therapy help me change patterns I already understand?
Yes. Therapy isn't only about understanding why a pattern exists. It can also provide space to notice how patterns show up in the present, explore what keeps them going, and practice new ways of responding. Individual therapy can focus on personal patterns, while couples therapy can help partners identify and work with patterns happening within their relationship.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

Therapy can offer space to understand the patterns that keep showing up and practice new ways of responding to yourself and others. One Percent Counseling offers individual, couples, and premarital therapy in Henderson, Nevada, with virtual individual therapy available throughout Nevada.

Learn more about Individual Therapy | Explore Couples Therapy | Schedule a Consultation

Accepting New Adult Clients in Nevada

If you're navigating anxiety, relationship challenges, ADHD-related concerns, life transitions, or simply feeling disconnected from yourself, therapy can be a space to pause, regroup, and move forward with greater intention.

• In-person in Henderson, NV

• Telehealth throughout Nevada

One Percent Counseling

Small Steps. Meaningful Change.

Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.

Disclaimer

This blog is for educational and reflective purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, medical care, or individualized mental health treatment.

---

About The Author

Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.

Disagreeing without Disconnecting

By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern

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Disagreement Fatigue

There can be moments in arguments that feel familiar, and in the same sense you might feel everything shift. Conversations can quickly turn into layers of tension that is often cooccurring with signs of defensiveness, tone changes, and overall fatigue from the cycle starting again.

Suddenly, it can feel like you are two partners who are not on the same team anymore and the disagreement turns into disconnection. That is the part that can sting the most. Naturally in life, stress will come and disagreements are bound to happen. It’s not necessarily about if or when you will disagree (again it is a natural part of existence) its about how you disagree.

The Quicksand of Disconnection

Disconnection isn’t always a random act, but it can happen when our protective factors step in. When something feels threatening (like criticism, rejection, not being understood), your nervous system might react through:

• you defending

• you shutting down

• you getting louder

• or you emotionally pulling away.

Then you find yourself getting stuck in quicksand disconnection. This doesn’t mean you don’t care, but these protective signals might contribute to the distance you’re afraid of.

How do you argue?

I want to be clear that arguments are naturally going to occur and even the healthiest couples do disagree. The goal isn’t to just completely avoid conflict, but more to stay connected inside of it. Connection can be the bridge to make repair possible.

What it can look like to disagree without disconnecting:

• Pausing more

• Staying curious instead of assuming

• naming your feelings instead of attacking

• letting the conversation slow down

These small intentional changes can lead to creating space for staying connected and seeking to understand during hard conversations.

4 Ways to stay Connected during Conflict

1. Slow down the moment: When things escalate, speed increases.

   example: “I want to talk about this, but I can feel myself getting overwhelmed. Can we slow this down?”

   Slowing down creates space to still feel connection.

2. Share what is happening underneath: Most arguments aren’t about the surface issue.

   example: instead of “you never help around the house”

   try: “I think I have been feeling overwhelmed and unsupported.”

   This shifts the conversation from blame to vulnerability.

3. Stay on the same team: Conflict can quickly turn into “me vs. you”.

   example: “it feels like we are getting off track. i want to figure this out together”.

   This reinforces connection, even in disagreement.

4. Take breaks without abandoning: sometimes space is needed but how you take it matters.

   Instead of shutting down or walking away without explanation:

   “i need a little time to calm down, but i want to come back to this.”

   Distance without reassurance can feel like rejection and distance with intention can build emotional safety.

You wont get it perfect, and that is okay! You might still say things that you didn’t mean, get triggered, or miss each other in conversations. We are all human. What matters most isn’t avoiding mistakes, but its being able to come back, repair, and connect again.

Final Thoughts

Disagreements don’t always have to mean complete disconnection. You can feel frustrated, hurt, or misunderstood and still choose to stay emotionally present. Over time, those small intentional moments (pausing, softening, coming back), are what build trust, safety and a deeper connection. Conflict may not disappear completely, but you can learn how to move through it together.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.

Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.

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About The Author

Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.

Love Is There…But It Can Still Feel Like Tug of War

By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern

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Love Can Also Feel Hard

Sometimes there are external expectations or even a quiet kind of confusion that can show up in relationships that looklike they should be working. A lot of times, you do love each other and you care deeply. Maybe you keep trying different ways of connecting and yet…it still feels a bit hard.

The hardest part can sometimes be communication, feeling close in the ways you want to and even feeling understood. A natural thought may even cross your mind from time to time of “why does this feel a bit difficult if we love each other?”

Love Doesn’t Automatically Mean Ease

We are often taught in culture or society that love should feel natural, effortless, or intuitive. However, love and relating are two very different things. Love is a feeling to definitely be highlighted and enjoyed, but relationships are also a system.

Relationship systems are often shaped by:

• Past experiences and previous relationships

• Attachment patterns

• Communication styles

• Emotional safety (or lack of it)

So in a lot of ways, there is a lot of room to absolutely love someone and still struggle to feel connected or understood by them. You are two different individuals and internal beings trying to find a common middle.

Why It Might Still Feel Hard

When love is there but things feel a little bit difficult sometimes its not about how much you love each other, but more about how you experience each other in hard moments. From a Narrative lens, your perspective of the “problem” could be that it is in between your relationship versus the “problem” being externalized from your relationship. In other words, it’s you and your partner versus the problem and you are both facing it together. Not the problem in the middle of you and your partner.

There are often a few common patterns:

1. You could be triggering each other without realizing it: what feels like “overreacting” is often a nervous system response where one person feels rejected (and becomes critical) and the other feels attacked (and withdraws). Neither is trying to hurt the other…but both of you feel hurt.

2. You’re both speaking different emotional languages: you both might be expressing a form of care, but in ways the other doesn’t recognize. One might want reassurance through words while the other shows love through actions. Then, it can feel like the love is missing even when it’s present in some form.

3. You’re protecting instead of connecting: when things feel tense, our instincts are to protect ourselves from discomfort or conflict. In most cases, this cycle of protection (defend, attack, withdraw like we discussed before) creates distance.

4. The relationship feels heavy instead of safe: love thrives in emotional safety. If the relationship starts to feel like a repetitive argument or walking on eggshells, even strong love can feel exhausting.

This Doesn’t Mean The Worst

If it feels hard, it doesn’t automatically mean that you’re with the wrong person or that the relationship is failing or that love isn’t enough. Sometimes it means that you haven’t learned how to navigate each other’s emotional worlds yet. I am a believer that you don’t have to rely on a huge overnight “fix”. Meaningful change is through the “trial and error” and the small one percent shifts.

Slow the moment down to create awareness and instead of reacting quickly, try:

• “why am i feeling this way”

• “what might my partner be feeling”

Get curious instead of defensive:

• instead of “why are you doing this” try “help me understand what is coming up for you”

Name the cycle and not the person (turning you into a team vs. the problem):

• shift from “you always shut down” to “we keep getting stuck in this patter where i push and you pull away”.

Emotional safety is built when people feel heard and understood, not judged. Sometimes the most powerful shifts can be as simple as “i see why you would feel that way”.

Final Thoughts

Love is important, but sometimes it isn’t the only thing that makes a relationship feel good. Most relationships (even non romantic) require a level of understanding, emotional attunement, repair, and intention.

If that feels hard right now, it doesn’t erase the love that is already there. Sometimes it just means there is something in the way you are connecting that needs more attention.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.

Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.

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About The Author

Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.

You’re Not Just Fighting About the Dishes.

By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern

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Is it Dishes or Disappointment?

If you read last week’s blog, you might already be familiar with how easy it is for couples to get stuck in the same argument loop. Even when it’s a different day with a different topic, the same exact feeling can still exist in our brains or bodies.

This week, we are going to slow that down even further because most of the time you’re not just actually fighting about the dishes.

The Surface Argument

Common arguments might sound like:

• “Why do I always have to ask you for help?”

• “You said you’d do it and you didn’t.”

• “Its just dishes, its not that big of a deal.”

Somewhere along the way, these surface arguments escalate and you might notice that the tone starts changing, defensiveness starts kicking in, and someone might start shutting down. Then all of a sudden, you’re not even talking about the dishes anymore…you’re talking about almost everything.

What is Actually Happening Underneath?

Arguments like this start leaning away from the task itself, but start to mold into what the task might represent in the relationship.

The dishes might mean:

• “I don’t feel supported.”

• “I feel like I am carrying everything alone.”

• “I don’t feel important to you.”

• “I feel like I have to manage everything for us.”

And on the other side it might feel like:

• “Nothing I do is enough.”

• “I’m constantly being criticized.”

• “I can’t get it right.”

• “I feel controlled or micromanaged.”

So instead of one person asking for help and the other responding, now you have one person expressing hurt (through frustration) and the other hearing failure (and reacting defensively).

Different Topic, Same Fight 

This is where it connects to last week’s conflict cycle:

• One partner pushes (often through criticism or frustration)

• The other defends or shuts down

• The first partner feels even more alone and pushes harder

• The second partner withdraws more

Whatever the initial context or task was suddenly moves to the background, because now it’s shifting to feeling overall disconnected.

The Emotional Experience (what it might feel like inside)

Underneath the words tone, and the constant back and forth, there is also a physiological experience that might be happening. This experience can happen fast and instead of expressing hurt, fear, or a need of support it comes out as something more frustrating or defensive. Not even because you don’t care, but sometimes the emotions are harder to say out loud.

For one partner it might include:

• a tightness in your chest when you realize you’re the one bringing things up

• a sense of exhaustion from carrying the same responsibility

• a thought that sounds like “I don’t think i matter as much as i want to.”

For the other partner it might feel like:

• a sinking in your stomach when the conversation starts

• a rush of pressure to “fix it” or get things right

• a thought that might sound like “I’m already failing before i even try.”

Why This Part Matters 

When we miss the emotional experience, we stay stuck at the surface. We try to solve the problem (“just do the dishes” or “communicate better”) without understanding what the moment actually means to each person.

Intentional and gradual recognition can help shift the conversation:

• “this isn’t just frustration, I’m actually feeling alone.”

• “this isn’t just criticism, I’m feeling like I’m not enough”.

Small shifts can allow for reactions to slow down just enough to allow the conversation to soften and make more room for a meaningful connection. This part doesn’t necessarily feel “easy” or “calming”. A lot of the time our instinct is to jump to the solution so we don’t have to face uncomfortable emotions or needs.

Simple Reframe

The goal isn’t to perfectly communicate every feeling. But even a small shift can change the direction of the conversation and future outcomes.

Instead of: “You never help me.”

Try: : “I think I’m feeling overwhelmed and I could really use support right now.”

Instead of: “Why are you making this such a big deal?”

Try: “I feel like I’m getting it wrong, can you help me understand what you need?”

These might not be perfect in every situation, but they can help you shift from blame to understanding and from defense to connection.

Next time an argument starts, pause and ask yourself: “What is this really about for me?”

Is it:

• Feeling unseen?

• feeling unappreciated?

• feeling like you’re doing things alone?

That question alone can be the one percent shift and what it takes to interrupt the conflict cycle.

Final Thoughts

The dishes aren’t always the problem. Even the argument itself is not always the problem. What is bubbling up underneath could potentially be disconnection and a yearning for a certain need wanting to be met or a certain emotion needing to be named.

Once you start taking one pause to understand what is actually being communicated or expressed, you can begin to respond to each other differently and seek to understand vs seeking to respond. Maybe not perfectly or even all at once, but just one percent at time.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.

Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.

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About The Author

Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.

Why Every Argument Feels The Same

By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern

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Conflict Cycles

Have you ever walked away from an argument thinking, “How did we end up here…again?” It could be a different topic with different words, but it all leads to the same outcome, the same feelings, and sadly the same disconnection. 

This can feel confusing in any relationship, especially when the underlying truth is that both people genuinely care about each other. 

But here is some perspective: most couples aren’t arguing about what they think they are arguing about. They’re just caught in a pattern that shows itself in so many different communications.

The Real Problem: The Cycle, Not the Topic

On the surface, arguments might look like they are about:

• Who didnt help enough 

• Tone of voice

• Time spent together

• Texts not being answered 

But underneath that context is often something a bit deeper such as:

• Feeling unappreciated 

• Feeling unseen

• Feeling disconnected

• Feeling like you don’t matter in that moment 

When those feelings get triggered, most couples tend to fall into a predictable cycle that repeats itself over and over.

Most Common Conflict Cycle: Defend - Attack - Withdraw

Let’s breakdown some of the most common patterns that show up in relationships (that I have also seen in practice): 

Defend

This often starts when one partner feels criticized or blamed, even if that wasn’t the intention. So they might respond by:

• Explaining themselves 

• Justifying their actions

• Saying “thats now what i meant” or “you misunderstood me”.

What could be underneath: “I don’t want to be seen as the bad one”. 

Attack

One partner now feels dismissed or not heard so they might choose to escalate by:

• Raising their voice 

• Bringing up past issues 

• Using statements like “you always…” or “you never…”

What could be underneath: "I need you to understand how much this hurts.” 

Withdraw

At some point or another, one partner shuts down which might look like:

• Going quiet

• Walking away

• Emotionally checking out 

What could be underneath: “This is too much. I don’t feel safe here.”

And from there on, the cycle continues to reset and nothing actually gets resolved. Both partners leave feeling misunderstood, frustrated, and even more disconnected. 

Why This Cycle Feels So Stuck 

Because each part of this response cycle triggers the next one, defensiveness starts to feel like dismissal that leads to attack. Attack feels overwhelming and leads to withdrawal. Withdraw feels like abandonment and leads back to attack or even criticism.

This pattern becomes less about the original issue and more about reacting to each other’s reactions and over time couples start to automatically anticipate this cycle or a “here we go again” response. 

One Percent Shift Awareness Before Change

Before trying to fix communication, solve the problem, or “say the right thing” you can try to start by noticing the cycle:

• Where do you typically land? Defend, attack, or withdraw?

• What do you feel right before you react?

• What are you actually needing in that moment?

Awareness is the first one percent shift where you can name the pattern you create just enough to create space to respond even slightly different. 

You don’t have to completely change how you communicate overnight. Some small changes or focuses can include:

• If you tend to defend: try pausing before explaining and stay “I want to understand what you’re feeling first”.

• If you tend to attack: try softening the start: “I feel hurt when…” instead of “you always…”

• If you tend to withdraw: try staying just a little longer and saying “Im overwhelmed, but I don’t want to shut down.” 

These aren’t perfect response or “the right answer”, but they don’t have to be. They are interruptions to the cycle in order to facilitate small change.

Final Thoughts

If your arguments feel repetitive, it doesn’t mean that your relationship is broken, but most likely that there is a pattern that hasn’t been totally named yet. Arguments will come naturally and the goal isn’t to completely eliminate them, but to better understand what’s happening within the argument. 

When you can see the cycle clearly, you can stop turning against each other and start turning toward the problem together. Those small shifts can add up to more understanding, more emotional safety, and more connection one percent at a time.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.

Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.

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About The Author

Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.

Rebuilding Self-Trust One Percent at a time.

By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern

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Repairing Self-Trust

At the heart and core of self loss is often something quiet, but impactful: a disconnection from your own sense of self-trust. 

Self-trust doesn’t usually disappear overnight, and it actually tends to fade pretty gradually through things like people-pleasing, minimizing your feelings, staying in situations that don’t align with you, or constantly looking outside of yourself for validation. 

And because it fades slowly, rebuilding it doesn’t happen all at once either. The first shift in rebuilding self-trust is recognizing you are not stuck, you are not unfixable, and you can learn who you really want to be once percent at a time.

What Rebuilding Self-Trust Means

Rebuilding self-trust means learning to come back to yourself more gently, more consistently, and more intentionally. 

It’s the process of:

• Listening to your internal cues instead of ignoring them

• Honoring your needs, even when it feels uncomfortable or inconvenient

• Following through on the small promises you make to yourself Giving yourself permission for your voice to matter again

The goal is not about becoming perfectly confident or never having moments of second guessing yourself, but more about creating a relationship with yourself where you feel safe enough to rely on you. 

What the Process Can Look Like

Change can definitely feel uncomfortable and even overwhelming at times, especially when you have been disconnected from yourself for a while. The focus of this conversation is not about a dramatic transformation, but more so about the small intentional shifts.

One percent shifts might look like:

• Pausing before saying “yes” and asking yourself if you actually mean it

• Noticing when something feels off (and letting that feeling count as something)

• Saying “I need time to think about it” instead of reacting immediately

• Following through on one small commitment to yourself each day 

• Choosing rest without needing to justify it 

• Speaking up in a low-stakes moment

• Letting your preferences exist, even if they are different from others around you

These moments may seem small and obvious, but they send a powerful message internally that I can trust myself to show up for me.

Tangible Ways to Rebuild Self-Trust 

If you’re not sure where to start, here are a few grounded and maybe practical ways to begin:

1. Keep small promises to yourself. Start with something realistic like drinking water in the morning, going for a short walk, or journaling for five minutes (even if it’s a brain dump, there is no right or wrong way to journal). Consistency with these small promises builds trust over time. 

2. Practice checking in before responding. Before agreeing to something, pause and ask yourself: Do I actually want to do this? Create space before your decisions to notice what your initial instinct is. Noticing is a meaningful part of the process and is a step forward. 

3. Name what you feel without dismissing it. Instead of minimizing things that you have been able to tolerate before or resorting to “its not a big deal”, try: This actually matters to me. Your feelings don’t need to be extreme to be valid. 

4. Set one boundary at a time. Boundaries don't need to happen all at once or in a perfect way. Create space to have just one moment where you choose yourself differently. 

5. Reflect on what you followed through on. At the end of the day, ask yourself: Where did I show up for myself today? This will allow your mind to notice trust-building moments and their impact. 

6. Let yourself be a work in progress. Self-trust isn’t built through perfection, but it is built through a lens of flexibility and repair. In moments that you override yourself (especially if it is second nature), try to notice it and try again next time. Trying isn’t failing, and progress is not linear. 

How Rebuilding Self-Trust Helps

When you begin to trust yourself again, things can start to shift internally and externally. 

Over time, you may notice:

• Less overthinking and second guessing 

• Clearer decision making 

• Stronger boundaries without as much guilt 

• A deeper sense of stability within yourself

• More alignment in your relationships 

• A growing sense of confidence that feels grounded and not forced

Building self-trust can mean that you stop outsourcing your worth and your direction, and instead you can begin to feel more anchored in yourself. 

Final Thoughts: Closing the Self-Loss Series

Self-loss doesn’t mean you are broken or beyond repair, but it often means that you have adapted in ways that helped you survive, belong, or maintain connection. At some point, all of those constant adaptations can cost you your sense of self.

This series has explored what self loss can look like in relationships, through people pleasing, quiet resentment, disconnection, and the slow drift away from your own needs. Noticing these patterns can be the first step in internal repair. Rebuilding isn’t about becoming a completely different person, but more about returning to yourself and who you want to be. 

That return doesn’t always have to be rooted in overwhelm, but it can be subtle, imperfect, and through small shifts that can create meaningful change over time. Through the one percent shifts, you can reconnect and rebuild a relationship with yourself that feels steady, supportive, and truly your own.

It’s okay to begin again and rebuild self-trust.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.

Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.

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About The Author

Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.

The Quiet Resentment That Builds When You Don’t Speak Up.

By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern

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The Building Blocks of Resentment

Resentment rarely starts fast, loud, and obvious.

Some of the building blocks of resentment can include self-abandonment, unspoken expectations, lack of boundaries (as we have learned), emotional suppression, and lack of reciprocity.

One of the most challenging parts of resentment is that it often isn’t about what others are doing, but more so about the space between what you need and what you’ve allowed yourself to express.

It’s layered, confusing, and hard to name. It can feel like frustration, burnout, or disconnection without immediately being labeled as resentment.

How Quiet Resentment Forms

It often starts small, subtle, and even reasonable. You tell yourself:

• “It’s not a big deal.”

• “I’ll just handle it.”

• “I don’t want to make this into something.”

• “They’re just stressed.”

• “I can manage.”

Some of these statements might be true and even feel safe, but over a period of time, it can shift to feeling like each moment is more compounded by the next.

Quiet resentment doesn’t always come from one major betrayal. It can build from not expressing a need, over-accommodating, and even minimizing your disappointment. Each moment can seem small, but when you consistently override your internal voice, your nervous system keeps track (even if you don’t consciously). And that is where the internal imbalance begins.

What Quiet Resentment Can Feel Like

On the outside, everything may still look “fine” or “manageable”. You may find yourself still showing up, still being reliable, and still the person other people can count on.

But over time you might notice resentment show up as:

• irritability over small things

• increased emotional distance from relationships

• sarcasm

• feeling under-appreciated but unsure how to say it

• thinking “I do everything.”

• feelin unseen or misunderstood.

Sometimes resentment often sounds like silence on the outside, but on the inside your body is overwhelmed.

Many people who carry quiet resentment can either be deeply caring or even craving the opposite such as seeking more stability, loyalty, reliability, or even support with responsibility.

Resentment doesn’t necessarily stem from selfishness, it can also come from self-loss and most people around you don’t even know its happening.

Why It’s So Hard to Address

Resentment can feel equally confusing and exhausting to carry. On one end, we might deeply care for others or have learned to prioritize others to keep stability in the household, or relationships. A part of you might genuinely want to be helpful, supportive, and easy to be around.

But another part of you might be tired of overextending and feeling like your needs come last.

Speaking up can sometimes feel:

• selfish

• dramatic

• risky

• disruptive

• or like you’re sparking conflict

Especially if you grew up needing to manage other people’s emotions or “keep things calm”, so silence or pushing away your needs might feel safer until it really isn’t.

Resentment isn’t a personality flaw, it’s often a signal that something important hasn’t been expressed.

What Happens if it Continues

When we choose to under-express our needs , they don’t just disappear and instead they often shift inward and build up causing an increase of dysregulation and inability to focus or function on the day to day.

Unchecked resentment often leads to:

• escalated arguments

• passive-aggressive communication

• scorekeeping

• loss of intimacy or emotional pleasure in relationships.

Feeling resentment can be an isolating experience, but can be alleviated by recognizing the internal signals and rebuilding alignment with yourself.

Where it can shift

Resentment doesn’t have to be a permanent state of being and you don’t have to wait until you’re overwhelmed to start honoring your needs.

You can begin earlier, in small meaningful shifts that bring more internal and external awareness to your needs.

In therapy, this might look like:

• identifying the moment you actually override yourself

• naming what you actually feel

• separating fear from values

• practicing small, aligned communication

• tolerating discomfort.

Putting these ideas into real practice can also take time, but it doesn’t have to be confrontational.

Sharing small truths and building self-trust can reduce resentment and can look like:

• “I actually feel overwhelmed.”

• “I need help tonight.”

• “That didn’t sit right with me.”

• “Can we revisit that?”

Final Thoughts

Experiencing feelings of resentment doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It often means that there is something within you that hasn’t been fully heard yet and is trying to express a need, a boundary, or a truth that deserves space.

Learning to express that doesn’t have to happen all at once, and it can start with small, intentional ways to reconnect your mind with your body. Even taking the time to notice resentment is there can be the one percent shift that leads you to a more aligned version of yourself and understanding what you need.

Gentle reflection: Where are you currently staying quiet to “keep things smooth” and what might happen if you honored your voice, even slightly more?

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.

Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.

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About The Author

Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.

People-pleasing isn’t always kindness, sometimes it’s fear: Addressing boundaries and avoidance.

By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern

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What Is People-pleasing?

People pleasing often develops as a form of protection.

At some point in life, prioritizing others may have helped maintain connection, avoid conflict, or create a sense of safety.

One of the most challenging parts of people-pleasing is that it often looks like kindness from the outside. Being considerate, supportive and accommodating are qualities many people value in themselves. But when these behaviors are driven primarily by fear, they can slowly create distance from your own needs and preferences.

Underneath chronic people pleasing is rarely kindness. It’s often rooted in avoidance, not compassion.

Common Fears

Fears associated with people-pleasing can look like:

• disappointing someone

• being seen as difficult

• creating conflict

• being rejected

• being misunderstood

• losing connection

And when fear runs the decisions, resentment eventually follows.

Kindness is a choice and people-pleasing is a reflex.

Kindness often says : “i want to do this.”

People-pleasing says: “i have to do this.”

Kindness feels aligned, while people-pleasing can feel tense.

The Boundary Problem

At its core, people-pleasing is a boundary issue. Not because you don’t have boundaries, but because you most likely override them.

You might notice:

• saying “yes” when you feel overwhelmed

• agreeing outwardly but feeling resentful internally

• avoiding hard conversations

• over explaining when you do say no

• taking responsibility for other people’s reactions

Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away but more so about protecting your alignment, and without them self-loss can happen quietly.

The Avoidance Loop

Protective patterns of avoidance can develop while trying to avoid discomfort.

Common discomfort you might want to avoid:

• guilt

• anxiety

• tension

• disapproval

• silence

• conflict

Avoidance might work…temporarily.

You might get short-term relief when the moment passes and no one is upset, but the long-term cost can lead to resentment and emotional exhaustion. It can even lead to emotional distance from ourselves and others, setting the path for self-loss.

The discomfort you avoid externally eventually builds internally.

Why It Feels So Hard To Stop

People-pleasing is often a pattern that is learned early.

If you grew up:

• managing other people’s emotions

• being praised for being “easy”

• walking on eggshells

• responsible for keeping the peace

Then people-pleasing most likely was an adaptive measure that helped you belong and stay safe. Although your life has most likely moved and transitioned, your nervous system can still feel stuck or believe it’s necessary to find safety through the learned behavior.

Saying no can feel threatening, even when you logically know it isn’t.

What Healthier Boundaries Actually Look Like

When people hear the work boundaries, they often imagine confrontation or pushing people away. In reality, healthier boundaries can be presented quieter, less intense, and more practical.

They are small decisions that can help you stay connected to yourself while still caring about others.

They might sound like:

• “I can’t commit to that right now.”

• “I need some time to think about it.”

• “That doesn’t work for me.”

• “I’m feeling stretched thin.”

Healthy boundaries don’t mean that you have to stop being kind or supportive, however they can simply mean that you needs and limits exist in the relationship too.

Pausing before saying yes, allowing someone else to be disappointed, sharing preferences instead of defaulting to others, protecting time and energy, and letting help be mutual can all be helpful in alleviating self-loss and building self-trust.

Final Thoughts

People-pleasing is often talked about as being “too nice”, but many times it’s actually a subtle form of self-loss.

Over time, constantly prioritizing others, their comfort, their expectations, and their approval can slowly disconnect us from our own needs, limits, and identity.

Boundaries create space to notice your own needs again and choose responses that are aligned with your values, rather than driven by fear of upsetting someone else.

At One Percent Counseling, we don’t have high expectations to become radically assertive overnight. We honor sustainable, behavioral changes starting with one percent shifts and supporting individuals with the thought of: “Am I choosing this or am I avoiding something?”

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.

Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.

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About The Author

Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.

When you don’t feel like yourself anymore: Exploring self-loss in relationships

By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern

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What Is Self-Loss?

Have you ever had the thought, Who am I now?

That question can feel unsettling, especially when you cannot pinpoint exactly when things changed. For many people, self-loss does not happen all at once. It happens slowly, through patterns of overgiving, people-pleasing, stress, caregiving, and trying to keep everything from falling apart.

Over time, you may begin to feel disconnected from yourself in ways that are difficult to explain but impossible to ignore.

What self-loss means

Self-loss happens when you slowly disconnect from your:

• voice

• preferences

• needs

• values

• sense of direction

It can feel like you have spent so much time taking care of everyone else, managing expectations, or avoiding tension that you no longer know what you want or need.

Common signs of self-loss

You may be experiencing self-loss if you notice:

• “I don’t know what I want anymore”

• constant people-pleasing

• avoiding conflict at all costs

• making decisions to keep others comfortable

• feeling resentful but staying silent

• anxiety when asserting yourself

• feeling smaller than you used to

These patterns are often signs that you have been disconnecting from yourself for a long time.

How self-loss happens

Self-loss often develops through:

• repeated conflict cycles

• fear of abandonment

• childhood dynamics

• cultural expectations

• high-responsibility roles

• long-term relationships where accommodation becomes identity

It is rarely intentional. More often, it is protective.

At some point, staying quiet, staying agreeable, or staying focused on others may have felt safer. But over time, those same patterns can leave you feeling emotionally drained and disconnected from who you are.

The emotional cost of losing yourself

When you lose connection with yourself, you may experience:

• increased anxiety

• emotional numbness

• irritability

• disconnection from your partner

• low self-worth

• feeling stuck

Sometimes people come to therapy believing the issue is only communication. But underneath the communication struggles, there may be something deeper happening: identity erosion.

It is hard to speak up when you no longer feel fully connected to your own inner voice.

Healing from self-loss

Healing begins with awareness.

It starts by noticing the moments when you override yourself, silence your needs, or ignore what you feel. From there, the work becomes learning how to reconnect with your voice, your values, and your sense of self.

That may include:

• identifying your needs more clearly

• understanding patterns of self-abandonment

• setting healthier boundaries

• building self-trust

• making decisions that reflect your values

• learning that your needs matter too

This process takes time, but it is possible.

You are not broken.
You have not failed.
You may simply be carrying patterns that once protected you but no longer support the life or relationships you want.

Final Thoughts

If you have been feeling disconnected from yourself, that matters.

Self-loss can happen quietly, but healing can begin with small, intentional steps. Reconnecting with who you are does not require perfection. It begins with noticing, naming, and allowing yourself to take up space again.

At One Percent Counseling, that kind of healing is honored. One step. One choice. One percent at a time.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.

Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.

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About The Author

Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.