Showing Up as Yourself Even When It Feels Uncomfortable
Showing up as yourself can feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re used to people-pleasing, overexplaining, or shrinking your needs. Learn how small, honest choices can help you reconnect with yourself one step at a time.
By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern
Coming back to yourself is not only something that happens internally. We have touched on what it means to notice and name what you feel, learning to hear yourself, and naming what you need.
At some point, coming back to yourself also becomes about how you show up through your actions in the external environment around you. In your relationships, in your choices, in your boundaries, and in the small moments where you decide whether to hide, adjust, or be a little more honest. That can definitely be uncomfortable.
Showing Up As Yourself Can Feel Unfamiliar
If you are used to being agreeable, easygoing, or highly aware of everyone else’s reactions, showing up as yourself may not feel natural at first, but maybe even more of a risk.
Some common thoughts or fears that might come up:
What if they don’t understand?
What if I disappoint someone?
What if I’m too much?
What if it changes how they see me?
These doubts can maybe even lead to you softening your opinion or start overexplaining yourself. Actions that align with people-pleasing in that way can look like saying yes when you mean maybe, laughing something off when it actually hurts, or choosing what keeps things calm instead of what feels more honest for you. You may have learned that being accepted felt safer than being fully seen.
Authenticity Does Not Have to Be Loud
Sometimes people imagine “showing up as yourself” as being bold, direct, or completely unfiltered. Realistically, authenticity does not have to be loud and it can actually be a lot softer or more quiet than you might imagine.
It can look like:
saying, “I need some time to think about that.”
admitting, “I don’t actually want to do that.”
choosing the option you prefer instead of defaulting
letting your answer be simple
not overexplaining your no
sharing one honest sentence instead of holding everything in
These moments may not look dramatic from the outside, but internally, they can be meaningful because each one is a small act of self-trust.
The Hard Feeling to Be Honest
Being honest with yourself is one thing. Letting that honesty exist with other people is completely another. That is often where discomfort shows up as guilt, anxiety, fear of disappointing someone, or the urge to explain yourself until they understand. Sometimes the pressure to make your honesty easier for someone else to receive is what the real struggle looks like.
This doesn’t mean that you are doing something wrong. Discomfort commonly shows up because you are interrupting an old pattern, especially if it involved shrinking, pleasing, or staying quiet to avoid tension. Showing up as yourself might just be new not wrong. That’s why its hard an uncomfortable.
You Can Be Kind and Still Be Honest
Coming back to yourself does not mean you stop caring about other people and it definitely does not mean you become harsh, dismissive, or disconnected. What it can mean is you stop abandoning yourself in order to keep everyone else comfortable.
Thera are several truths that can coexist:
You can be kind and still have a boundary.
You can care about someone and still disagree.
You can be thoughtful and still say no.
You can love people and still choose what is right for you.
This is where self-connection becomes relational.
You are not only asking, “What do I need?”
You are also practicing, “Can I let myself matter here too?”
Small Ways to Show Up as Yourself
Showing up as yourself does not require a complete life overhaul, but often starts in small, everyday choices.
It might look like:
giving your real opinion
letting yourself pause before responding
asking for what you need without apologizing for needing it
choosing rest instead of pushing through
saying, “That does not work for me.”
wearing, creating, or choosing something because it feels like you
letting a text sit instead of replying from pressure
allowing yourself to be seen without performing
These are not small things when you are used to adjusting. They are one percent steps toward living with more honesty.
A small shift you can try: the next time you notice yourself shrinking or adjusting, pause and ask:
“What would be a little more honest here?”
Coming Back to Yourself Takes Practice
You may not feel confident right away and you may still feel nervous. You might even still question yourself afterward. That does not mean you failed, but it can mean you are practicing a new way of relating to yourself and others.
Coming back to yourself is not about becoming a perfectly confident person.
It is about building enough trust to stop disappearing from your own life.
One small honest moment at a time.
Final Thoughts
Showing up as yourself may feel uncomfortable at first, but discomfort does not always mean danger. Sometimes it means you are choosing not to abandon yourself this time. Not in a perfect way, but in a way that is a little more you.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.
Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.
About The Author
Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.
Naming Your Needs Without Guilt
Naming your needs can feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re used to people-pleasing or putting others first. Learn how to identify your needs, express them with more clarity, and reconnect with yourself one small step at a time.
By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern
This week is about helping you move from noticing to naming without shame, overexplaining, or feeling like your needs are “too much”. This might sound pretty similar to my earlier series about rebuilding self-trust and people-pleasing. These themes are similar because our behaviors are sometimes rooted in prioritizing others so often, that we lose ourselves in the process. Self-trust and naming your needs is built over time, through daily (often repetitive) check-ins and actionable follow-throughs.
The Hard Part About Naming Your Needs
Sometimes the hardest part of coming back to yourself is not just noticing what you feel, but also naming what you need. For many people, that can feel surprisingly uncomfortable. You might notice a need come up and immediately question it.
“Am I asking for too much?”
“Will this upset them?”
“Should I just let it go?”
“What if they think I’m being difficult?”
So instead of saying what you need, you have conditioned yourself to hold it in or minimize it. Over time, those unspoken needs can start to turn into resentment, exhaustion, distance, or disconnection from others and more importantly, yourself.
If you’re used to being the person who keeps the peace, adapts quickly, or considers everyone else first, naming your needs can feel unfamiliar (and sometimes even selfish). Having needs doesn’t make you selfish, it just makes you human.
Your needs are parts of how you understand yourself, care for yourself, and build more honest relationships. Still, if your needs were ignored, dismissed, criticized, or treated like an inconvenience in the past, it makes sense that naming them now might feel vulnerable.
You might have learned:
how to scan for other people’s reactions before checking in with your own experience
that being “easy” felt safer than being honest
"to wait under you were overwhelmed before admitting something matters
These might be signals where self-trust may need to be rebuilt slowly.
Needs Are Not Demands
One thing that can make naming needs feel less intimidating is remembering this:
A need is not the same thing as a demand. Naming a need does not mean someone else is automatically responsible for meeting it exactly how you want. But, it does give space for you to give language to something important that is inside of you. For example:
“I need some time to think before I answer.”
“I need more clarity about what you meant.”
“I need a slower conversation right now.”
“I need support and listening ears, not advice or solutions.”
“I need some space to reset and rest.”
These statements are not about controlling another person and instead highlight honesty with yourself and giving others a clearer opportunity to understand you.
Starting Slow and Quietly
We have discussed signals that sometimes show up in a physical way like tightness in your chest, a sense of dread, irritability, resentment, tiredness, avoidance, and even internally wishing that someone would “just know”. Although these signals can be easy to dismiss, they carry a lot of information (which is why highlighting them is always a priority of mine).
Resentment may point to an unspoken boundary.
Exhaustion may point to a need for rest or support (environmental or emotional).
Anxiety may point to a need for clarity.
Frustration may point to a need for honesty or change.
Understanding the whole need might not happen immediately, but you can definitely start by noticing the signals.
The Guilt Does Not Always Mean You Are Wrong
Guilt can often show up when you start to name a need leading to second-guessing yourself. Guilt isn’t always proof that you did something wrong, but sometimes it shows up when you are doing something new.
Especially if you are used to over-functioning, people-pleasing, or staying quiet to avoid tension. Naming a need may feel uncomfortable because it interrupts an old patter. The discomfort does not mean the need is invalid, but maybe it can mean that you are practicing something unfamiliar.
Different Types of Needs
I wanted to give different types of categories of needs that maybe you might be overlooking or haven’t considered recently with some examples of needs to name.
Emotional needs:
“I need reassurance.”
“I need to feel heard before we problem-solve.” or “I need comfort not advice".”
“I need space to feel what I’m feeling.”
“I need gentleness in this conversation”.
Communication needs:
“I need more clarity and to slow down the conversation.”
“I need time to think before I respond.”
“I need us to talk about this when we are both calmer.”
“I need you to tell me directly instead of assuming that I know.”
Relational needs:
“I need consistency.”
“I need honesty.”
“I need follow-through that looks like…”
“I need quality time that looks like…”
I need to feel considered in decisions.”
Boundary needs:
“I need some space.”
“I need to say no to this.”
“I need to leave early.”
“I need this conversation to pause.”
Support needs:
“I need help with this.”
“I need encouragement.”
“I need someone to check in on me.”
“I need practical support, not just emotional support.”
“I need us to make a plan.”
Self-connection needs:
“I need rest.”
“I need time alone.”
“I need to do something creative.”
“I need to choose what feels right for me.”
Coming Back to Yourself Through Needs
Naming your needs is one way of coming back to yourself. Every time you pause and ask, “What do I need here?” you are turning toward yourself instead of away from yourself. You are practicing self-connection and giving yourself permission to matter in small moments.
A small shift you can try: The next time you notice guilt around having a need, pause and ask:
“Is this guilt telling me I did something wrong, or is it showing me I’m practicing something new?”
Try naming the need in one simple sentence: “I need…”
Final Thoughts
You are allowed to have needs and learn to meet them, just like you have learned to meet the needs of everyone around you. You are allowed to name them and take up space in your own life. Coming back to yourself does not mean you will always know exactly what you need right away, but it means you are willing to listen one percent at a time.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.
Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.
About The Author
Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.
Learning to Hear Yourself Again
When you’ve been disconnected from yourself, it can be hard to know what you feel, need, or want. Learn how small moments of awareness can help you start listening to yourself again.
By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern
Sometimes the hardest part of coming back to yourself is realizing you don’t always know what you feel, what you need, or what you want. Even a step further, you don’t always know what would actually feel supportive. This can sound like:
“I don’t know”
“It’s fine”
“Whatever works”
“I’m just tired”.
At times, those statements might be true. In other instances, our autopilot kicks in and those responses could be a signal that your inner voice has gotten harder to hear.
Looking Outward
If you’ve spent a lot of time paying attention to what other people need, expect, or feel, it can become automatic to look outward before you check in with yourself. For example, you might scan someone else’s mood before naming your own, think about how they’ll respond before deciding what you want to say, or even adjust yourself so quickly that you don’t even realize you had a preference.
You’ve practiced listening to everything around you first, and over time this can make it harder to hear yourself clearly.
I heard someone say once “the perception of ourselves is usually less likely seen through our own lens first, and instead through the lens of the first two external opinions about us”.
In other words, sometimes we learn to see ourselves through other people’s reactions before we ever learn to see ourselves through our own. When you’ve spent a long time looking outward for cues, your sense of self can start to feel shaped by other people’s perceptions.
Your Inner Voice Might Start Small
Hearing yourself again doesn’t always sound like a clear, confident answer. Sometimes it starts as small internal signals such as:
a tight feeling in your chest
a sense of hesitation
a little resentment
feeling quietly pulled toward something
a feeling of ease when something is right (or unease when it feels unaligned)
These signals might not give you a full answer right away, but they matter as information that can help you begin to pay attention to yourself and naming your needs.
It’s a Marathon, Not a Race
A lot of people might experience pressure to feel like they need to rush the process. Listening to yourself is more like a marathon than a race. As previously mentioned, it’s not about getting the answer immediately or knowing exactly what is happening the first time you tune in to yourself.
It’s about building trust with yourself to keep coming back, even when the answer might feel grey or unclear. Pausing, noticing signals, and listening to the small moments of information rather than forced clarity is where you give yourself space enough to hear what is happening.
You might not know all of the answers yet, but you might know:
“something about this feels off”
“i need more time”
“I don’t want to answer right now”
“I think i need space”
Small Ways to Start Hearing Yourself Again
Learning to hear yourself again can happen through small, repeated check-ins.
You can start by asking:
What am I feeling right now?
What do I notice in my body?
I always encourage curiosity over even the smallest shifts in body language.
What feels heavy?
What feels supportive?
What am I wanting to say but holding back?
What would feel like more honesty here?
There is no pressure to answer all of them, and no “right or wrong” answer to any of them. Just engaging in one question, without shifting to shame or judgement, can create a little more space between autopilot and awareness.
Different Ways to Connect
Hearing yourself again doesn’t only happen through one avenue like journaling or deep reflection (although these steps and practices are part of the process) because you are layered, so it makes sense that your self-connection can be layered too.
Sometimes you hear yourself more clearly through things like: music, movement, rest, creativity, silence, or noticing what gives you energy and what drains you.
The point being, there isn’t one right way to start the process and the goal isn’t to force clarity, but more so engage in curiously to notice.
A small shift you can try:
The next time you hear yourself say “I don’t know” take a pause. Instead of pushing for an answer, try asking:
“If i did know, what might I be feeling?” or “ what is the smallest thing I can notice right now"?
Maybe its a feeling, a body cue, a preference, or maybe its only uncertainty and that is still information.
Final Thoughts
At first, listening to yourself might feel unfamiliar. You may second-guess what you notice or wonder if your needs are valid. You might experience guilt for having a preference. That doesn’t mean you are doing it wrong, but it means that practice is happening and building trust with yourself happens each time you pause, notice, and listen with a little bit more care.
Your inner voice might be quiet right now, but quiet doesn’t mean absent.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.
Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.
About The Author
Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.
Start Small: Coming Back to Yourself in Everyday Moments
Coming back to yourself doesn’t require a big life change. Learn how small, everyday moments can help you reconnect with your needs, preferences, and sense of self—one step at a time.
By Maraya Pena, Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern
When people think about “finding themselves” or “coming back to themselves”, it can feel like something big. Naturally, you might be waiting for a realization, a major life shift, or a sign or moment where everything becomes clear.
In reality, while those huge moments can definitely happen along the way, most of the time coming back to yourself feels much quieter.
It Starts in Small Moments
Seeds of reconnection generally happen in the day to day moments, conversations and routines. You might remember in the first blog series of exploring self-loss, we discussed the importance of moments like:
pausing before you automatically say “yes”
noticing when something feels off
choosing what you actually want instead of defaulting
taking a breath before reacting
While these moments can feel small and not necessarily like a huge revelation, they are the building blocks of how you begin to reconnect with yourself.
Why It Can Feel Hard
If you have spent a lot of time focused on others and what they need, what they expect, and how they might respond, it makes sense that your own voice might feel quieter or “got lost in the weeds”.
Some signs of internal disconnection can look like:
you aren’t sure what you want
you go along things without thinking (autopilot)
you respond quickly, then question it later
If you have or are currently experiencing any of these things, that doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. You might have gotten used to looking outward, and the multilayered parts of you are going unnoticed.
Coming Back To Yourself Doesn’t Require Clarity
A lot of people might think: “once i know exactly what i need, then I’ll start.”
It actually usually works the other way around through the lens of curiosity.
Clarity can come after you start getting curious about your needs and paying attention to yourself. You don’t need to have everything figured out to begin reconnecting with yourself.
What 1% Steps Can Look Like
Starting the process of coming back to yourself can start with freeing yourself of any internal expectations of perfection or what “it’s supposed to look like”.
It can start by pausing and noticing “What do I want here?” and letting yourself choose something you want. But its important to be aware that we aren’t meant to connect to ourselves in just one way.
As people, we aren’t one dimensional, but rather layered with thoughts, emotions experiences, and different parts of ourselves that don’t show up the same way every time. So it makes sense that reconnecting with yourself won’t look one way either.
Back to the idea of curiosity and staying open minded to experiencing new moments or things like:
creativity
movement
music
being in nature
moments where you feel a little more like yourself
You might even notice yourself more when you are:
writing something without overthinking it
listening to a song that resonates
moving your body in a way that feels natural (for me that is slow walks)
doing something that brings a sense of ease like a hobby you used to love
The point is, there isn’t one “right way” to reconnect. Just putting down what feels heavy and picking up what feels more aligned and noticing what feels more like you.
Final Thoughts
Coming back to yourself isn’t about becoming someone new, but maybe more about noticing what is already there and giving it a little more space and curiosity even if it feels unfamiliar at first. You don’t always need a huge breakthrough to reconnect with yourself, just one moment and then another, one percent at a time.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If this resonates with you, therapy can be a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a deeper and more intentional way. Whether you are feeling stuck in old patterns, disconnected in your relationships, or unsure of who you are in this season of life, support is available.
Reach out through the contact page to schedule a consultation and take your next step toward healing.
About The Author
Maraya Pena is the founder of One Percent Counseling, LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate anxiety, relationship challenges, emotional overwhelm, and life transitions with greater clarity, self-awareness, and connection. Her approach is grounded, compassionate, and focused on helping clients create meaningful change one step at a time.